Great Ways To Make Your Solo Trip...FABULOUS!

Frigid temperatures have a way of transporting my mind to warmer climates and new adventures.  Give me a balmy cup of perfectly brewed tea and a good book, (sometimes of the travel variety) and I am well on my way to planning my next adventure.

Yes... I said MY NEXT ADVENTURE.  Most of my friends think that I am a bit looney for traveling solo, but I revel in the opportunity. After all, how often is it that you are truly given the opportunity to go and do whatever you want, whenever you choose. Although I know some who would disagree, taking advantage of the luxury of not having to consider another individual, in my opinion, is priceless. I understand that solo travel is not for everyone, but I find that it is the one time that I can be completely selfish and not have to worry about the whims of another....I'm taking sheer indulgence here.

"But aren't you afraid of traveling alone?" I am always asked.  The short answer is... NO!  I will admit, there are extra precautions that one (especially women) should take, but it's not a big enough concern to prevent me from traveling alone all together. Besides, if I had to wait for another partner to find the time, or the money, I may never have the opportunity. So with the help with my friends at Smarter Travel, we were able to come up with a list of ways to make the best of your solo trip...

Courtesy of Smarter Travel... 

Make Friends
Just because you're traveling alone doesn't mean you should be solo the entire trip. What's one of the best ways to socialize on the road? When you're dining alone, sit at the bar (or counter), where you'll have more opportunities to strike up a conversation than if you were sitting at a table. Chat up a waiter or bartender for tips on the best local sights, or converse with fellow diners/drinkers about the hip secret spots they've stumbled across so far. Use your transit time wisely, too, and chat up your seatmates if they're willing. If you want guaranteed companionship, joining a group tour, even if it's only for a few hours, can be a great way to meet people.  If tour buses and guides aren't your thing, consider signing up with Meetup (a website that lists gatherings for pretty much every interest in hundreds of cities) and attending an event full of like-minded people while you're on the road.

Hostels

Avoid pricey hotel rooms for just one person and have a built-in way to meet people by staying at a hostel. Don't want to share a room on your solo trip? Many hostels have private rooms (some even en suite) that are still cheaper than a traditional hotel. Hostels usually offer plenty of common rooms (such as a kitchen and a TV room) where people congregate to meet fellow travelers. Most hostels organize daily activities (be it a movie night or a bar crawl), so you can find a good group to go out with. Or, check hostel message boards, where travelers often post if they're looking for people to travel with.

Indulge Yourself

Revel in the luxury of not having to please a travel partner (or a group of people). Spend the whole morning sleeping in your hotel bed, or wake up super early to hike somewhere in time to catch the sunrise—you're the only one making the decisions on this trip. Have an obscure hobby, interest, or taste in food? Go crazy and eat only at your favorite kinds of restaurants or spend your whole trip checking out the weird museums no one else likes—you won't be hearing any complaints or whining.

Stay Safe
Knowing that there is no one there to have your back is the most important thing that you can remember.  Do your research before you go so you know which areas are unsafe, which you should avoid after dark, what the common local scams are, etc. Be sure to let someone back home know your approximate schedule (in case you don't return on time), and use common sense when it comes to flashing valuables or going places with strangers.  In order to make the most out of your trip, be sure to stay safe—you don't want to waste time at the police station or embassy (or worse: in the hospital) after getting mugged.

Bring Good Reads
You might have a lot of alone time when traveling solo, so be sure that you have lots of reading material with you. Treat yourself to some books that you've been dying to read, and you'll always have a good (silent) companion with you when you're eating or on a long train ride by yourself. Plus, if you're traveling alone in a country where you don't speak the language, it can be very comforting to lose yourself in your native language after long being immersed in something you can't understand. Opting for a physical book can be a good conversation starter when strangers ask what you're reading, but e-books can save prime space in your luggage.

Avoid The Single Supplement
Unfortunately, solo travelers on many cruises and tours will get slammed by a "single supplement," punishing them for not sharing a room with a travel partner. Research tour companies before you book—some have an option that will let you sign up to be paired with another single traveler as roommates, so you can still get the cheaper rate. For cruises, look for ships that offer single rooms (supplement free) or for cruise lines running great deals that might be willing to waive the fee.

Get a Camera Extender

Traveling alone doesn't mean that you should be deprived of prime Facebook snaps of you posing in front of famous attractions. Get in the picture (without having to entrust your camera to a stranger) by using a camera extender, which you can use to take self-portraits. We like the GorillaPod line of portable mounts for cameras (and camera phones) that will let you take your photos, free of stranger arm contortions.

Don't forget, 2013 is the year that you begin to live your life with intentional purpose and passion.  There is an entire Earth filled with exploits and escapades expecting your stamp of approval.  So what the heck are you waiting for?

Checking Your Pulse...

Well, here we are already!  In a few short days, the reign of first month of 2013 will be over and its predecessor will continue the course.  The holidays are behind us now, and we are very much back in the groove of our daily grind.   As it seems the norm, the days just seem to fly right by us without as much as a tap on the shoulder. But before January leaves us, I feel compelled to ask the question... Are you failing or succeeding with your New Years Resolutions?

On the first day of the new year, I wrote a blog posting about living an intentional life with passion.  I challenged you to make this your year of action by quashing your fears and making more of the good stuff happen in your life. You were confronted with executing the existence that you've always envisioned for yourself, and making your 2013 your best year ever.  How is that working out for you?

I pose this question of the 27th day of the new year, simply because most experts believe that it takes a minimum of 21 days to change a habit or to form a new one. Whether or not this is really the case is debatable. For you it may take a bit longer. For me, it may only be a few days. I think it really depends on the habit that you are trying to change, and the method that you employ that appears to the best for you. But big or small, the only question that really matters... is your change still in the fore-front of your mind, or have you tossed it by the waste side because you've already given up on it? Are you checking your pulse?  

If you've given up, then I implore you... Don't be so hard on yourself.  Many of us fail during the first days or weeks of starting a new change.  Don't be afraid to let your failures define you.  Failure can equal success when we take the time to learn from it. Even the wise Winston Churchill reminds us - "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." The good news is that you can begin again.  Just because you may have tossed aside your change, resolution or habit, doesn't mean that you can't pick it up and try once again.

Lord knows, I've become an expert at "trying again."  To give you an example, for many years I had challenged myself to save more money. To this goal, I would deploy what I perceived to be simple measures, such as putting ten percent of my paycheck into a savings account. Then as the need would arise, I would spend it. $20 for gas or $50 for a night out with the girlfriends.  And before I knew it, my $350 savings would dwindle down to a mere $46, and the bank would then close my account for failing to keep a minimum balance. But after taking a well deserved year long sabbatical, and spending a pretty hefty chunk of my rainy day fund, 2013 brought with it the need to become a better steward of my hard earned cash. With the reminder of my previous savings fiascos still firmly on my mind, I knew I needed a different approach. But what I also knew was in order to make this a lasting change, I needed to start small. Maybe even miniscule. This time, I charged myself task of simply taking my lunch to work, in lieu of eating out. I was averaging about $10-$12 a day. In my mind, not only would this help in my stewardship, but it would also assist with my weight struggles, since I have a tendency to make menu selections based on options that would normally not be available to me at home.  Often times, those restaurant selections would end up being a rich, fat-laden house specialty like the southern fried chicken sandwich served beside sweet potato fries, or the shrimp over buttery, creamy, cheesy grits, like those served at one of my local Jackson favorites, Julep. Both are truly worth their weight in calories, and the city of Jackson is filled with many more culinary gems like this one... hence my financial and weight loss dilemmas.

Well, just 19 days into my week day experiment, I've net a whopping $190 in savings that I can actually see in regular checking account. And even more savings than that if you include the twenty percent tip paid to each the server who performed their duties, well. (Yes, I am a sucker for good service.) It's no secret that I love to eat well, so the simple turkey and swiss on multi-grain bread with mayo or mustard, wasn't going to cut it for me. But truth be told, it really boiled down to simply searing a one or two extra pieces of the wild caught salmon made for dinner the night before, and serving it over the same bed of organic kale, also prepared the night before.  Years earlier, a challenge to eat well by planning ahead was formed during my days with Weight Watchers, and one habit that serves me well to this day.  Saturdays are spent planning and purchasing my weekly menu, while Sunday becomes my cooking day.  The reality of the lunch idea translated into planning and preparing an extra protein and veggie, and an extra $15-$20 dollars added into the weekly food budget. What's more, I can still enjoy the practice of eating out (weekends mostly) while I'm saving real money and real calories. Simple in theory, but harder in execution. Everything in moderation... right?

I will confess that this small change is actually a part of the bigger picture of the life I envision for myself.  As I mentioned in that previous blog posting, I really do want to own more years like the totally fabulous one of 2012.  I want more travel adventures. I want to more scuba diving expeditions. And most importantly... I want more love.  But these things take time and money and looking good in that scuba suit. And just maybe, while I am globetrotting around world, and experiencing all the adventures that I plan for myself, I'll be spotted by my Prince Charming, who will fall in love with the awesome woman he recognizes as having the time of her life, and he'll want to be a part of that too!

Are you checking your pulse...???

Loneliness, Romance and Secrets...

  "This whole thing is so nutsy that I believe it only could have happened at Notre Dame, where mythology trumps common sense on a daily basis. ... Given the choice between reality and fiction, Notre Dame always will choose fiction," sports writer Rick Telander said in the Chicago Sun-Times.

Nutsy is right.  At the risk of sounding cynical, I feel the need to ask the question... Have we as a society become so desperate to be loved that we allow ourselves to see things as they are not? Call me old school, but since when does a text or a phone call become a suitable substitution the human touch?  Can we really use the "L" word without even so much as a kiss?  For that matter, do we even know what LOVE truly is?

Since the story broke, like many others, I've been curious to know what that "thing" is that could make someone fall so deeply in love, without so much as meeting in person. To label someone whom you've never even met in person... "your girlfriend?" Publicly? On TV and interviews?  I simply cannot fathom it.  Please don't misunderstand my motives here.  I am not for one moment passing judgement.  I am simply asking the question... how do Te'o and so many others allow themselves to fall so hopelessly in love with someone, whose hand they have yet to hold? I watched the many interviews in which the Notre Dame linebacker passionately described his woman as her knew her as, "the most beautiful girl I ever met..." and "the love of my life...".  In front of millions of football fans, Te'o kneeled to the ground, bowed his head, and said a prayer for the imaginary girlfriend who was to be buried on that very day. And while I realize that there are still many questions surrounding this bizarre quandary, what I saw was a man experiencing real emotion for someone who was a figment of his imagination.

What's even more nuts is that there is now an audience for showcasing the perpetration of people pretending to be someone they are not, and the lies woven to protect the truth at all cost.  "Catfish" the documentary made an astounding $3.5 million dollars that has now spun off into a reality TV show, which is currently in its second season.  Sadly, it follows the lives of so many others who so deeply want to connect with someone, that they are willing to ignore the red flags that wave along the way. The show does in fact bring to light some couples who are able to connect and find the love they desired, but often times than not, the story ends up in the hands of a lonely person perpetrating lies that they never intended to explode horribly out of control. A cruel deception made possible by the innovations of the digital age.

As an advocate for online dating, it breaks my heart to see the lines between the dream of love and reality of finding it, so blurred by trickery.  What can start out as an alluring adventure, sadly turns into an unfathomable sea of verifiable shams.  If all anyone really wants is to be loved, then the question becomes, why not be honest about who we are and what we want?  Since when has a lie become more attractive than the truth, that the perpetrator fails to look ahead to the real moment of truth, when the con comes to light?  Has our reality become so blurred with the glamor and fantasy of Hollywood, that our own lives seem so trivial that we feel forced to create a vision of ourselves that is less than truthful? Why are we not good enough?

Although this story is still unfolding, I cannot begin to imagine the humiliation that Te'o must be experiencing. My reality is, I do know what it is like to have your heart broken.  Many of us do, and can attest to the myriad of sentiments that follow. However, I do not know what it is like to be "Catfished," and I can't imagine that the old school segment of my thought process will ever allow that to happen.  A few online conversations and phone calls are acceptable in the beginning, but there will always be a large part that will quickly forego that illusion for the desire of the human touch. Impatient? Probably so. But the romantic in me but I will always prefer to look deep into his eyes to see the depths of his soul, rather than to check my phone for the sweet sound of his text message. But that's just me...

Do You Have Kids?

   There have been times when I have written about things I regret.  More times than not, what I really regret is the manner in which I wrote about that topic. You’re writing so quickly, trying hard to capture your every thought on paper.  In the process you're bound to make snap judgements or even rant. When read these rants can appear to be bitchy, judgmental and even sometimes unfair. Today, I hope this isn't the case.

It's not the first time it's happened.  Unfortunately, it happens all the time.  You meet someone for the first time, maybe a neighbor.  Another customer in line at the grocery store.  A co-worker. After exchanging pleasantries, the next question they want answered is... "So, do you have any children?"  As if to say... " Are you the type of woman who desires to be a human incubator for another little person that will at some point of his or her own choosing,  aggressively impel its way through your guts all while simultaneously transforming your life to revolve around his?"

Are all woman presumed to have or want children? Is it assumed that our path of life takes us all down a street with a Babies R Us proudly displayed in the center of a cul de sac, and we are all expected to get out and skip with glee at the mere presence of its large purple letters above its door. Really?

What then becomes hysterical, is look on their face when the question is answered with an astounding... No.  They want to check the time on their wrist watch, all while trying not to be obviously puzzled by the response. Priceless! Its as if the look at the wristwatch translates to... Do you know how much time you have left? -while the puzzled look parlays to ... And just how old are you, anyway?

I'd be quick to point the finger to my stint in Mississippi, but the truth is, I've always been asked this question.  Even my own gynecologist has cautioned... "Don't wait too long." But in his defense, he gets a pass, since he does live and breathe this sort of thing on a daily basis. Mostly, I can give my position, and it is accepted and respected.  In some cases, I state my position and a light bulb goes off, as if it was a position that had not even been given consideration, and now worthy of contemplation as a new option. Those are the moments I enjoy, especially when it comes from a young woman at the beginning stages of forging her path.  But here lately, I find myself having to succumb to the pressure of having to defend the choices I've made for my life. There is only one way of life here in the deep south. I'll give you no husband...women here raise children by themselves all the time. But childless?  That backwards way of thinking has no place here in Mississippi.

And please do not mis-understand my rant.  I personally believe that mothers are the most incredible people in the world.  I believe it is also one of the most challenging vocations to get right.  So when I say that this applaud is coming from someone who has once left for work and had forgotten to put food in her dog's bowl, it is with the utmost sincerity that I salute mothers.

But this isn't about motherhood.  Nor is it about children. It is about all of those women who chose NOT to be rated by their potential to give life. It has no more or less merit than for those who do. This is for all the women who for whatever reason, can't. This is about all those women who have chosen more freedom and perhaps a different set of responsibilities. It is about all of those women who courageously admit that their talents could best be suited elsewhere.  And this is about all those women who chose to wait for Mr. Right, but didn't find him in time. It would be nice to be considered worthy of my contributions as a person, as opposed to the number of eggs I have fertilized. To whole-heartedly assume that a free thinking, productive and creative woman can not be totally fulfilled unless she chooses to dip into that cul de sac with the Babies R Us, is simply unthinkable. It's as if no action can ever be equivalent to giving birth, and for that matter, why would you want otherwise? Are you kidding me?

So in the event that you see me sporting a new shorter, trendier coiffure... it is probably safe to assume that I have pulled my hair out from the sheer frustration of having to explain why I do not have kids.

"... Bad Girls Go EVERYWHERE!"

"To know her was to truly love everything about her." says a former assistant of Helen Gurley-Brown. I didn't know her.  I didn't even really know of her, truth be told.  But I do know about the legacy that she leaves behind, and sadly, that doesn't even begin to skim the surface of the life of a woman who could have been my heroine.  Well, at least one of them anyway.

As I began the research for my book, "Why Should Men Have All The Fun?," one of the first reads I ventured across happened to be "Sex and the Single Girl." Flipping through its description and table of contents, I would swiftly dismissed it thinking... surely, a book written in 1962, (and years before I was born) would hold very little significance for today's modern single woman.  Instead, I chose to read books like "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene and Neil Strauss' "The Game." It wasn't hard to quantify that further getting inside the heads of men was to have been the chosen road. As it would turn out, neither of which served any purpose, since the my writing quickly took on a life of it's own, in the form of a memoir. Who knew?

But as I think back to those chapters told, I can recall how a few of the sexy, salacious articles in the very same Cosmopolitan Magazine, electrically charged some of the very actions I confessed on those pages.  From the barely there ads of racy under garments, to the erotic samples of fragrances that perfumed my mailbox each month, to say that it  somehow influenced the formidable woman I've become, would be a definite understatement.  Yes, the goal-oriented articles about "How to Land that Perfect Job," would prove to be an interesting read, but it was really the scandalous essays on "How to Please Your Man in Bed" that caught the eye of every college girl around.  And who could blame us?That's the stuff that Mama never told us about.  The sharing of that subscription with my five college roommates became a monthly ritual that would shape us all to some degree...and some of us more than others.  I can laugh now about how vividly I recall becoming inflamed about how my magazine would magically disappearing, never to be found again, which coincidentally led to putting a lock on my bedroom door, just to be able to get through an entire issue. Who knew?

And as I now glance through tidbits about the tantalizing life of Ms. Gurley Brown, I am now overcome by a slight sadness, ashamed to now realize the potential of her reach. Why did I not know of her before? A champion of women's sexual freedoms during the days when Jeannie would magically appear out of her bottle via her pretty puff of pink smoke, (barely showing her cleavage, much less her belly button) at the beck and call of her Master, Astronaut Tony Nelson. These were the days of Harriet Nelson and June Cleaver, whose lives centered around the shenanigans of their children, never kissing their husbands in the lips. Re-runs of I Love Lucy were still very much in the mix, depicting how Lucy and Ricky got pregnant with Little Ricky, while sleeping in separate twin-sized beds.  Yet, there is this trendsetter crying out to all of the single women across all lands to live large, be fearless, stay sexy and remain single. She was not just an infamous promoter of women's sexual liberation, she was a working-class woman's role model who declared herself, her magazine and her message feminist, all the while taking tons of flack from her critics.  She was in fact a teacher who didn't just preach it... she lived every word she wrote.  And while her actions may not warrant a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, she does as the very least deserve a place in the pantheon of 20th-century feminist leaders. Who knew?

Now that I know a bit more about this intrepid heroine who I never existed to me until her death,  I  raise my glass of wine to her as I celebrate her words...

"Good Girls Go to Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere!"

Fifty Shades of Fascinating Philosophies...

I can't speak for you, but there was a time in recent months where everything I saw and read had at least a reference to the trilogy... "Fifty Shades of Grey." Wanting to understand what all the hoop-la was about, I like everyone else, jumped on the bandwagon  and purchased a copy of the first book in the series.  Despite the publicity,  as a newly published author, I was genuinely intrigued to understand what the excitement was all about.  Exactly what was it about this book, by a fellow first time author, made everyone who read it... want more?  I could in fact understand, if this work centered around a famous person or persons that we could relate to on some tangible level.  But as a society, have we become so starved and curious about the sexual escapades of fictional characters?  Curious minds wanted to know... what magic was concocted in this particular series that would make THREE books, best sellers?  Does "Mommy Porn" really sell 20 million copies in a matter of a span of twelve months?  Inquiring minds really wanna know...

As research would determine, this primary audience who just happened to be married women, fantasized the core message about the redeeming power of love. These women verbalized buying "Steele-Grey" ties for their husbands while shopping for similar sex toys and blogging about the novel's unrivalled power to reignite the heat and intensity behind closed doors.

Interestingly enough, it would appear that readers are somewhat undecided about the writing talent of Ms. E.L. James.  While 55% of the James fans view her as is a genius who writes with tantalizing detail about forbidden sexual desires to submit, succumb, possess and ultimately punish our virgin princess who has just graduated from college, another 45%  of audience viewed in unfavorable, by giving it only one star on Amazon.com.  What's more, the audience appears to relate to the complicated relationship between the insecure virgin and her bossy prince charming, whose relationship evolves very quickly over the course of this series. But at its core, James manages to captivate her readers with the most popular category in book publishing... "Love and Romance." Despite its mixed reputation, the series is an old-fashioned love story involving mild bondage, uncommon sex toys, and good old "vanilla sex" mixed with "kinky fuckery."  It is truly the classic boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-gets-girl-back plot which has fueled audiences for centuries.  And while I can honestly say that I have never really been a fan of "Chick Flicks" for the fictional sensationalism that continues to fuel this particular fantasy craze, I shamefully admit to not being able to put this book down, earnestly wanting to know with every page turn, what will happen next.

So exactly what did I learn from my experience through the best selling genre of
love and romance, also known as "Mommy Porn...???"

Does SEX Sell... Usually YES, but more importantly, most appear to be ultimately interested in the love aspect of this series. True enough, as the story unfolds, our virgin princess not only develops quite an appetite for her partner, she shows a stamina for what appears to be sex on almost a daily basis. While married women may NOT have that insatiable appetite for raw unadulterated sex, getting caught up in the sensationalism of fictional romanticism could prove to be quite the challenge.  After all, what woman wouldn't desire the best aspects of Mr. Grey to be hidden somewhere within their own true  partner? Page after page is a dissertation about how lost in love these two are for one another or descriptions about being in the throws of unbridled passion, although our hero can't stand to be touched. Ironic... maybe not.


Don't Show All Your Cards- Fiction or not, our virgin princess continually displays her insecurities throughout the trilogy by professing... "How can a beautiful man like this be interested in a young, inexperienced girl like me?"  Understanding that no one is perfect, its only human nature that we all might come to the table with our own form of insecurities.  Believing that we are all a work in progress, shouldn't we also think that it is in our best interest to continuously work on our issues, until they are no longer at the fore-front?  Even our prince recognized his faults and understood their origin as well as a need to resolve them.  Throughout the series, he continues to work on them, never giving up, and even encouraging the love of his life to do the same. While his solution was to seek the guidance of a shrink (and our prince confesses that he's seen many shrinks with many different methods of attack,) he established the need to continue on until he discovered who and what therapy worked best for him. Further acknowledging that he is still a work in progress, and still willing to do the work to get the job done. We are all deserving and worthy... if we believe we are.

What Works For Some May Not Work For Others-    Call it "degrading" or "mommy porn" or any of the other things that reviewers and critics alike have labeled it.  And while it may not be your thing... what it is very successful at is allowing its readers to escape the humdrum of every day life while addressing the needs of a particular woman, albeit it inexperienced, to have her every desire met by a man who truly adores her.  Tell me what woman in their right mind, would not want a piece of that action?  Fiction or not... sign me up!  And while the strong single women of today may not be willing to recognize "the N Word," the longing to be desired has to be forefront in the minds of those women simply just want to be loved.  Who among us can blame them?

Do Not Over Think Things-    As if you didn’t already recognize from our princess' constant inner dialogue, she spends way too much time in her head. Instead, let loose every now and then and go with your instincts.  If so led,  feel free to look for love in all the unexpected places. Yes, I understand that this is fiction true enough, but who knows what could be in store for you? How many times have you heard about a real-life romance that happened right under the receiver's nose?  You could call it fate or destiny, but isn't it plausible that it was a matter of taking a chance on something totally unexpected on the road the less traveled?  But even more simplistic than the task of finding love, is how this particular phenomenon of the tangible paper kind caused millions of women, including myself, to take a selfish time out to address a more important need... "ME TIME!"


So before you make the same error that I did... dismissing the hoop-la of the Fifty Shades Trilogy... Take heed to the words of our fictional Adonis, Christian Grey:

“My belief is to achieve success in any scheme.  One has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail.”       

"You Make Me Sick..."

"You make me sick!  You make single life look like its so much fun!  How do you do that?"

Who says something like that???    Unfortunately for me, the words came from a dear single girlfriend during a recent conversation. It all started as an inquiry into my recent four month solo travel epic through Central America, and some how evolved into..."You make me sick..." 

Now I am no expert on how to live an irresistibly insatiable life, but I am pretty darn happy and fulfilled.  I know myself, I know what I like, and I have an incredibly fun social life that just happens to be filled with a whole lot of terrific people.  In fact, I have the "BEST" girlfriends in the entire world to be more specific. And while they have a lot to do with what makes me happy in general, I also know how to celebrate my quiet time. 

But in my opinion, the woman who is miserably single will probably be pretty unhappy in other areas of her life. If I had to venture a guess, I would bet you anything there are other issues she's wrestling with and it's just easier to blame her singleness than it is to do the work she would need to address her true evils.

And while my friend's comment took me by surprise, I didn't believe for one moment her comment should be taken literally. Regardless of your marital status, I truly believe that one of our sole purposes on this Earth is to enjoy the life we have been given while collectively spreading love, joy and experience with those around us.  After all, the "Golden Rule... is to do onto others as you would have them do unto you."  If the situation were in reverse, and I was the one who was perceived as miserably single, I would hope that someone to take an interest to help me out of my melancholy and gloom.

With that purpose in mind, I tried my best to decipher the biggest influences that would have drawn her conclusion, and tried to make a few humble suggestions to aid her (and others for that matter) onto the road of the glorious single life...

Surround Yourself With FABULOUS People- I mentioned earlier that I have the "BEST" girlfriends in the world.  And while each of them serves a specific role, in general, I believe that we all do an excellent job of supporting and lifting up one another. We are more than friends... we are mentors,  teachers and sometimes family members. We are great listeners and we know just how to be there when we are needed. We also know how to make each other feel good about ourselves, and that's an important part of the friendship.  When we feel good about ourselves, it becomes infectious. We also understand that not everyone is going to like us... but we don't want everyone to like us. If they don't know what they are missing out on... then that's their problem and not ours.

Be a DOER... Not Just A THINKER- Thinkers sit around contemplating change, but DOERS actually put their thoughts to action.  What's the point of putting together a great plan, if its not executed. After all, "faith without works is dead"... right??? Doers are active people.  They have hobbies that they love and engage in them on a regular basis. Work is not the total focus of their being and achieving balance can take some time and practice, but makes for an incredibly well-rounded person.  They don't rely on other people to entertain them, they do a great job of doing that all by themselves. Doers are smart people with curious, educated opinions, and are not the least bit afraid of doing things alone if need be.  They enjoy their own company and do not wait for others to experience the things they themselves want to do.  You see them everywhere... the solo-ists who are enjoying the newest restaurant, taking that cooking class or traveling alone to explore a new city or country.


Truly Know THY Self- I truly believe that to be appealing to others, you must first be comfortable in your own skin. No games. No false pretenses. Just 100% you.  We are interesting people with terrific social lives. Take time out to figure out what makes you happy, because everyone loves a happy person.  Would you want to spend your time with someone who is a constant complainer?  You can't pretend to be a lover of wine if all the wine you know is White Zinfandel. (Sorry, if I offend anyone... but friends don't let friends drink white zinfandel!) Take the time to educate yourself on those things you enjoy.  Interested in something but don't know enough about it to really enjoy it?  Then take the time out to explore it. There is something about having a true interest in something to attract the right people to you.  From childhood, I had always wanted to explore scuba diving.  Recently,  I decided that I was finally going to do it.  During the process of enjoying my experience, I attracted the attention of a former scuba instructor who is now the director of one of the largest aquariums in the world. Guess who now has an exclusive invitation to take partake in one of the most unique diving experiences in the world?  Me! That's who!

It is my prayer, that these reflections will help anyone, regardless of your marital status, find the road to the glorious life you were meant to live!

Back To My Reality... As I Choose It For Now...

Sunset at San Juan Del Sur, Nicaragua

“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” — Lao Tzu

As much as I hate to admit it... travel adventures as I know it are now over. Gone is the freedom of solo travel and the allure of meeting new friends to explore new adventures. At least, for now.  Not because I choose it to be over, but because the reality of life has come to the forefront. As much as I would love to globetrot as if I were Lewis and Clark, my last name is neither, and the Johnson's of my family tree has not endowed me a trust fund in which to subsidize my hearts desires.  And yes, although I can pay bills by internet and keep in touch with family members via Skype, I do not possess the team of people that I trust to give full autonomy to my financial state of affairs to renew car registration, car tags and drivers license. My guess is that to assemble a team as such would probably take millions... millions I do not have. At least not yet anyway.  And so my reality is... to return to life as I knew it.

But the truth is, life will never really be as it was.  The reality is... experiences make us grow. Learning new lessons, and implementing them into our lives changes everything about who we once were. Mr. Albert Einstein I know would agree.  To take a page from his book...

 “The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.”

Albert was a smart man.  Every time I step foot in a new city, a new country, a new continent... I am in awe.  There is something hypnotic about experiencing the world that you've only been able to read about on paper, come to life before your very eyes. The world, if you've never seen it, is the mysterious.  And it is out there, sitting, waiting for all who are willing to take privilege in it.

Sadly, when I joined the ranks of Americans who actually held passports in 1998, I was devastated to learn that I was part of a small but elite group just over 6.5 million or 15% of the international traveling minority in this country.   It wasn't until 2007, that the travesty of 9/11 made it mandatory for Americans traveling to Canada and Mexico be required to acquire passports when traveling on land or sea.  But even then, the number only jumped to 18.3 million or 22% of the American public. Even as of this writing, only 30% of Americans possess a passport in 2012, according to a recent CNN travel article.

“Without new experiences, something inside of us sleeps. The sleeper must awaken.” 

– Frank Herbert

But the truth is, travel can be a reality for all of us who deem it a priority.  I often hear people affirm ... "you sure travel a lot!", as if it were a privilege only afforded to the wealthy. Just yesterday, I heard those very words while chatting to an old high school acquaintance.  I suppose that is because, I do see it as my reality. And for things which we ourselves deem as important... these things then take precedence.

I suppose I obtained the spirit of exploration from my father.  A truck driver by trade, he was determined to see..."as much of GOD'S green Earth as HE would allow." Despite the fact he understood it required a bit more time to travel with me, because I "couldn't just pee in a cup" like my brother... he still deemed it significant for me to experience the long trek along the Canadian pipeline to the heights of Alaska... TWICE.  As a little girl, I often resented not being able to travel with my Dad as much as my brother, and so I in turn felt the urgency to direct my aim so that I could perfect the talent of being able to "pee in a cup." Little good that did me...

But back to the point at hand... there is never a good time for change, but it is important to understand is what the cost would be if we don't.  What do we stand to loose if we don't create travel opportunities for ourselves.  By not executing a curiosity for the unknown, what message does this send to our children, nieces, nephews and youth of tomorrow...  Americans are comfortable in their own environment, and do not find it important enough to venture out into unfamiliar territory. Why on Earth is that??? In many countries, but particularly Israeli, it is considered a rite of passage to travel abroad. They do this in the year following army service, as a way to unwind from the stress of serving two to three years.  I was able to experience this first hand during my travels throughout Central America. Young Israelis were everywhere, as were other nationalities. Sadly, few Americans were to be found.

Foremost on the reasons to travel is that you discover a lot about yourself. Now I'm not talking about taking a family trip to Disney World. When I speak of a special vacation, I envision someone backpacking across Europe or driving along the coast of Australia... that is, a trip with cultural significance. Not many things in the world can inspire you like seeing the Colosseum in Rome or the Pyramids in Egypt.  Whether you're a lover of history, architecture or nature, only travel will satisfy your passion. No words can describe the rush you feel when gazing upon the Mona Lisa or admiring the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.  Experiences can range from the legendary (watching the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain) to the relaxing (enjoying a hot spring while snow swirls around you in Iceland), but they share one common link: they are all memorable. In every corner of the world, there is excitement waiting for you. It is simply a matter of sticking your head out and going for it.

Time puts everything in perspective for us. Can you recall those stressful milestones that once invaded your life – your first exam, your first date, your first real job?  Many of these you barely remember because in the grand scheme they’re not the significant events they once were.  Leaving your current situation may seem daunting, but in the future it may only seem like a minor event in your life, and perhaps even an obvious choice.  If you don’t make the travel change now, will you regret it years later?

“I see my path, but I don’t know where it leads. Not knowing where I’m going is what

 inspires me to travel it.” — Rosalia de Castro

Amen Ms. Rosalia! Amen to that!

Do you Have A Spare Tire???

Do you listen to Blog Talk Radio??? For those who do not know what it is, Blog Talk Radio is a web-based platform that allows callers to host a live call-in Internet broadcast without the use of complicated or expensive equipment.  All that is needed simply a computer and a phone. As a listener, you listen the same way you would traditional radio...just on your computer. Cool, huh???

Well admittedly, I had never listened in until recently. While preparing for my upcoming interview, I thought it might behoove me to do a bit of research, so I might have a better an idea of what I could be in store for.

While listening to the show, I heard a guy confirm being involved in a committed relationship and also admit to having a spare tire... aka the fall guy or fall girl in this case. You could call it someone who you know will be there whenever you call.  It could also be known as the number in the black book that never gets erased. The person you call whenever for whatever... and they are there for you.  Are you that girl???

And while the two female co-hosts argued all the various reasons why this is all kinds of wrong... I couldn't help the pure frustration I experienced while listening in. Yes, it is all kinds of wrong and yes all of their points were 100% valid, at least from the female perspective. But the listener side of me just wanted to shake them both scream back at my computer screen... "DID YOU REALLY HEAR WHAT HE JUST SAID TO YOU???" Sadly, I don't think they really heard him.

He's got a spare tire and in so many words... he's not getting rid of her. He's not asking for permission... he's telling you what he's got! As the banter continued back and forth, at the end of the day, the points his co-hosts argued will not make him go home and change his evil ways. This is just one of the many reasons "WHY MEN HAVE ALL THE FUN!"  Men know how to put their needs first. And while we ladies may not necessarily agree with this viewpoint,  He's still gonna do what he does...that's just what men do.

Now my question is...

How many men think the same way?  My guess is probably quite a few.

Then my next question is... Why aren't more women doing this too?  Just another guess, but I would venture to say that there are probably far more men than there are women with spare tires.

Now that we are aware that there is a possibility that this could be the case with your man... do you as women subscribe to the theory... If you can't beat 'em... join 'em!  Now that you are armed with a bit more information than you had yesterday...how do you intend to use it?  Do you file it away in your mental filing cabinet, never to be seen again until it slaps you in the face when it pops up again, leaving you surprised and unprepared?  Or do you flip that script ladies... and go out to get you one too? Maybe you already have one...  Whatever you decide, just don't end up like the guy in the picture posted above.  Clearly,  he didn't have a spare when he needed one... and he looks like he could have used one!

Two wrongs may not make it right... but it certainly does give us an even playing field!

Here's a link for tomorrow nights show (Wednesday 9pm EST/6pm PST)...
"Talkin' Da Biz w/ Ms. K and Diva"

Hope you'll be joining us!!!

My Baby Is BORN!

Okay, Okay!  So I didn't actually give birth to a living soul, but this thing that I have been living a breathing for the past several years, has finally come to life!

In its entirety, this collection of dating stories and dating lessons learned is a culmination of the eight years in the making.  It's  been a long and arduous journey, but I knew in my heart that the point had to be made. No matter how long it took, I was bound and determined that tradition would not get the best of me...or any other women for that matter. When yesterdays society dictations are no longer appropriate for today's society, then somethings gotta change.

What I mean is... by tradition, marriage was the standard that all should strive for.  Some experts feel that past social norms and gender relations have caused women to be preprogrammed to want marriage. I too fell victim to such programming.  Barbie and Ken along with my Easy Bake Oven made it easy for me to fall into that romanticized vision of getting married and living happily ever after.  In my early years, I wasn't as cognizant as Little Riley, to recognize the marketing trickery of big business.  I did think that all girls wanted to be pink princesses. Unbeknown to me, Little Riley would now become one of my super heroes.

Just because a girl doesn't get married doesn't mean that she should feel like a failure.  Everyday I hear stories from women who feel inadequate simply because they are still single.  Many times I am confronted with that dreaded questions..."Why are you still single?"... as if to imply that it is some type of curse.  Today, my answer is almost always..."Why not?  What's wrong with being single?" Not that I am against marriage, by any means.  On the contrary. It took me a while to realize that marriage is just one branch on my tree of life.  Most trees have many branches, and even those branches can have many limbs extending off of them. Those branches represent the many options that life has to offer. And the beauty in all of this is... not one tree looks the same. Sure there are apple trees or maple trees and even weeping willows. They may bear the same fruit, but no tree is exactly alike.

It wasn't until I decided to explore the male perspective on dating, that I realized how right they actually  are. Being on the receiving end of men's dating mishaps, can make it hard to see the good that can come from the male perspective. Should you be able to separate yourself from the lies and deceit that women are often exposed to, and replace it with honesty, then it's not hard to see that they may be on to something. Only then is it easy to see that men tend not to apply the same pressures to themselves as do women, and take on a more relaxed approach to dating.  They typically do not sum up a woman on the first date to determine if she is marriage material.  They simply want to go out and enjoy a woman's company.  That's it.  There is no expectation.  They don't make things complicated.  There is no implication of exclusivity. It's all about having a good time.  At least initially anyway.

But times are in fact changing. The numbers of available men are dwindling.  CNN recently reported that there are only 88 single men to every 100 single women.  To add insult to injury, many women also find themselves living in cities such as New York, Philadelphia, D.C. and Atlanta, where  the single pool of women largely outweigh the number of single men. Women are finding themselves in single status due to no fault of their own, and its becoming a phenomenon that no one can control.  Situations such as unemployment, gay or bi-sexual preferences for men, contribute to the pool of undesirable mates, leaving women without many options.  Like it or not, a new societal tradition is rearing its ugly head.

When forced to tackle the question of "What if I never get married?" over eight years ago, I found nothing available to comfort my broken heart. Instead, I was flooded with the many ways to find Mr. Right.  Confused but yet determined to find another option, my discovery lead to the birth of my baby, "Why Should Men Have All The Fun?!"

What I've discovered is that life without marriage can be fabulous! In fact, many of my married friends contend the same.  But the purpose here is to encourage single women to live the life they have always dreamed of, with or without a mate.  Realizing that all everyone really wants is companionship, then they are encouraged to explore the male perspective by taking a more casual approach, throwing away that old notion that the outcome of dating must be marriage.

So with that thought in mind, I am challenging women to seek the adventure in dating. Try dating outside your dating box by traveling to a new city to explore a new pool of men. Maybe explore interracial dating. And even better still, try dating more that one man at a time. Be safe, but have fun.  It just might be the most fun a single girl could ever have.

"Why Should Men Have All The Fun?!" is now available on:

Amazon.com:  https://www.amazon.com/author/djjohnson

CreateSpace E-store: https://www.createspace.com/3559874

The Kindle version will also be available within the next few weeks.

Blessings to you all!

The Fortitude of Freedom

 

I don’t know about you… but I enjoy my own company. Although I am blessed with a fabulous arsenal of friends, (and I have some of the best friends in the world,) there are times when only my own company will do.   There doesn’t need to be a personal trauma or an issue that needs contemplation for me to pack a bag and head away for a weekend.  There are times where I don’t even need a destination.  Sometimes,  a tank of gas will do just fine.

There is a certain satisfaction that comes with the realization that there is power in freedom. The idea that I can make a decision to go ANYWHERE and do just about ANYTHING is not just alluring… it’s liberating!  All that is needed is a desire. It can start with the simplest of ideas, like travel for example. The concept of freedom is such a wonderful thing, and yet many of us don’t exercise it to the fullest extent.  We react life as it happens instead of conscientiously choosing where we want our lives to go.  When was the last time you chosen to exercise your autonomy?

This weekend, I am exhibiting my free will in Savannah, Georgia. I had the desire to be near water, so I packed my weekend bag with a couple pairs of jeans, a comfortable pair of shoes, a bottle of my favorite wine, and an iPod full of my favorite tunes.  Other than the selection of a hotel on the riverfront, I really didn’t have a plan.  Whatever struck my fancy…that is what I chose to do.  Friday night sounded like a fabulous night for a rooftop dinner while watching the sunset.  Saturday’s unseasonably warm weather felt ideal for exploring the city’s exquisite architecture, and allowed me to discover Savannah’s only craft brewery…go figure!  And that wasn’t even on the list…because I chose not to have one.

Today is Sunday.  So far it’s been a magnificent day for a fabulous breakfast, followed by some quiet time enjoying the view from my riverfront balcony.  Maybe late this afternoon I’ll find a great Sushi Restaurant, and afterwards go shopping for the best pralines in the city to bring back to my family.  They’ll love that.  Maybe I’ll choose something else?  Who knows?

What I do know is that I LOVE choosing sovereignty.  I am truly grateful for the God given right to be the person I choose to be.  I can explore all the places I desire to see and do all of the wonderful things that are available to me.  I can take a boat ride on the Savannah River or I can sit quietly on my balcony and enjoy its view.  Whatever I do…I know it will be the right choice!

Embracing Single Status In 2012- Five Reasons For You To Love It!

HERE'S TO A FABULOUS NEW CHAPTER!

 ”Why is a beautiful woman like you still single?  Each and every time I get asked that question, I get perplexed.  The implication always seems to be that my life would be so much better…if only I were married.  Really???

Then tell me why only half of all Americans are engaging in the practice, when one out of every three Americans were engaging in 1960’s.   A recently published MSNBC article stated that the constitution of holy matrimony was down to an all time low of 51%.  I can’t say that I am shocked to hear this.  What I am shocked about is why so many single women are still panicked about choosing this headache?

I am just kidding about the headaches of marriage, but lets face it… if you didn’t marry the RIGHT person, it could just be the biggest mistake you’ll ever make and truly a costly one to get out of.  I understand that most woman want it, but if they understood what it is they are really giving up, just maybe we’d think twice before jumping that broom.

Single is EASY.   Think about this for a minute.  When was the last time you had to consult someone on a financial or lifestyle decision?  If you really want that Michael Kors watch for $375, and your bank account says you can afford it, you don’t have to consult the hubby before you make that purchase…you just do it.  If you desperately need that massage…schedule that appointment.  There’s no need to ask for permission. Why complicate your life by adding a husband when single is so easy?

Engage in your passions… or discover new ones!  You have such a unique opportunity to just do you!  Our married counterparts are busy splitting their time between the demands of husband and family, only to have whatever time is left.  And that’s provided they still have the energy.  Singleness affords the opportunity to develop the best you, you can be.  Why not take the time to develop or explore your spirituality.  Buy that ticket to Paris and take that trip you’ve always wanted. Learn to speak French and take that class before your trip, or even better yet, take that French cooking class too.  Build up those finances and make those investments you’ve been considering.  Join that softball league in the community park near your home. The opportunities are bountiful and ripe for the picking. Just choose one and let the passion begin.

A Single Life is a Cheaper Life.  “On a month-to-month basis, marriage just doesn't pay. At least not far beyond the honeymoon phase, after which the happy couple invariably decides to leverage its new status into better living quarters, nicer cars and more "mature" spending priorities like insurance and church donations, ” according to a Forbes.com article.  The article goes on to mention that  singles who make an effort to do financially prudent things such as buying homes and opening up retirement accounts early, wind up better off than their married counterparts. Once children enter the picture, married couples are really in financial trouble: The costs to raise and educate children are staggering.

Variety is the spice of life.  Lets face it.  Men do it all the time.  If they can have a little “Black Book,” why can’t we have a little “Pink Book?”  There’s no reason why you can’t have a movie friend, a sports event friend and a dinner friend too?  How about a date for breakfast, another for lunch, and yet another for dinner and desert?  There are plenty of fish in the sea.  So go for it, but be safe.  After all, WHY SHOULD MEN HAVE ALL THE FUN?

Freedom.   Webster defines it as: liberty, autonomy, independence, lack of restrictions, sovereignty and free will . In my opinion, this is the best reason of all to embrace the single life.  Even married folks will agree that not having to answer to anyone for anything…is a great thing.  Doing what you want to do and when your wanting to do it allows you to life your life just as you choose.  What a wonderful thing!

As we enter this fabulous new chapter called 2012, I challenge you to become the best you possible as you …

Embrace your independence!
Accept your autonomy!
Hold your head high and walk in your sovereignty!

Austin Publicity & Marketing Tour

Sitting in the airport, waiting for my delayed flight. What a bummer! It’s no one’s fault that there is heavy fog in San Antonio and flights can’t get in or out, but just sitting and waiting can be quite aggravating.  There are a million things I could be doing right now… but it’s hard to be productive when you don’t even have an internet connection.  The airport is supposed to have wi-fi, but its not working either.

This is however, the first opportunity I’ve had to just sit with myself and reflect on the past five whirlwind days in my second home city of Austin.  It is such a great city.  Hundreds of music venues have earned Austin the title of "live music capital of the world," with its 1,900 bands and performing artists calling the Austin area home. Also showered with abundant sunshine and beautiful natural surroundings this city is a nature lovers and outdoor enthusiasts’ dream.

One of the primary reasons for returning to Austin was to promote the book and connect with indie bookstore owners about future book signings. Many thanks to Book Woman, Book People, Domy,  and  Monkey Wrench Books for taking time out of their busy schedules to discuss the possibility of book sales and signings.  I’ve never done this before, but the marketing experience gained from my days in property management were indeed great preparation for a project such as this. It’s probably not the most traditional route, but you do what you know and hope for the best.  After all, nothing ventured…nothing gained!

It was exciting to see “Why Should Men Have All The Fun?!”, being so well received.  Curiosity, questions and laughter was all that was needed to confirm that marketing efforts are headed in the right direction.  Fabulous conversation from both men and women alike proved to be the right mix of motivation for me stay the course.  

It won’t be long now before my dream becomes my reality.  The book is in its final stages of formatting, and is still on target to be released Mid-January 2012.  The book launch party is in it’s final planning stages and should be announced soon!

Before you know it… I’ll be doing a book-signing event in your area.

Here’s to women having all the fun…