Loneliness, Romance and Secrets...

  "This whole thing is so nutsy that I believe it only could have happened at Notre Dame, where mythology trumps common sense on a daily basis. ... Given the choice between reality and fiction, Notre Dame always will choose fiction," sports writer Rick Telander said in the Chicago Sun-Times.

Nutsy is right.  At the risk of sounding cynical, I feel the need to ask the question... Have we as a society become so desperate to be loved that we allow ourselves to see things as they are not? Call me old school, but since when does a text or a phone call become a suitable substitution the human touch?  Can we really use the "L" word without even so much as a kiss?  For that matter, do we even know what LOVE truly is?

Since the story broke, like many others, I've been curious to know what that "thing" is that could make someone fall so deeply in love, without so much as meeting in person. To label someone whom you've never even met in person... "your girlfriend?" Publicly? On TV and interviews?  I simply cannot fathom it.  Please don't misunderstand my motives here.  I am not for one moment passing judgement.  I am simply asking the question... how do Te'o and so many others allow themselves to fall so hopelessly in love with someone, whose hand they have yet to hold? I watched the many interviews in which the Notre Dame linebacker passionately described his woman as her knew her as, "the most beautiful girl I ever met..." and "the love of my life...".  In front of millions of football fans, Te'o kneeled to the ground, bowed his head, and said a prayer for the imaginary girlfriend who was to be buried on that very day. And while I realize that there are still many questions surrounding this bizarre quandary, what I saw was a man experiencing real emotion for someone who was a figment of his imagination.

What's even more nuts is that there is now an audience for showcasing the perpetration of people pretending to be someone they are not, and the lies woven to protect the truth at all cost.  "Catfish" the documentary made an astounding $3.5 million dollars that has now spun off into a reality TV show, which is currently in its second season.  Sadly, it follows the lives of so many others who so deeply want to connect with someone, that they are willing to ignore the red flags that wave along the way. The show does in fact bring to light some couples who are able to connect and find the love they desired, but often times than not, the story ends up in the hands of a lonely person perpetrating lies that they never intended to explode horribly out of control. A cruel deception made possible by the innovations of the digital age.

As an advocate for online dating, it breaks my heart to see the lines between the dream of love and reality of finding it, so blurred by trickery.  What can start out as an alluring adventure, sadly turns into an unfathomable sea of verifiable shams.  If all anyone really wants is to be loved, then the question becomes, why not be honest about who we are and what we want?  Since when has a lie become more attractive than the truth, that the perpetrator fails to look ahead to the real moment of truth, when the con comes to light?  Has our reality become so blurred with the glamor and fantasy of Hollywood, that our own lives seem so trivial that we feel forced to create a vision of ourselves that is less than truthful? Why are we not good enough?

Although this story is still unfolding, I cannot begin to imagine the humiliation that Te'o must be experiencing. My reality is, I do know what it is like to have your heart broken.  Many of us do, and can attest to the myriad of sentiments that follow. However, I do not know what it is like to be "Catfished," and I can't imagine that the old school segment of my thought process will ever allow that to happen.  A few online conversations and phone calls are acceptable in the beginning, but there will always be a large part that will quickly forego that illusion for the desire of the human touch. Impatient? Probably so. But the romantic in me but I will always prefer to look deep into his eyes to see the depths of his soul, rather than to check my phone for the sweet sound of his text message. But that's just me...

Fifty Shades of Fascinating Philosophies...

I can't speak for you, but there was a time in recent months where everything I saw and read had at least a reference to the trilogy... "Fifty Shades of Grey." Wanting to understand what all the hoop-la was about, I like everyone else, jumped on the bandwagon  and purchased a copy of the first book in the series.  Despite the publicity,  as a newly published author, I was genuinely intrigued to understand what the excitement was all about.  Exactly what was it about this book, by a fellow first time author, made everyone who read it... want more?  I could in fact understand, if this work centered around a famous person or persons that we could relate to on some tangible level.  But as a society, have we become so starved and curious about the sexual escapades of fictional characters?  Curious minds wanted to know... what magic was concocted in this particular series that would make THREE books, best sellers?  Does "Mommy Porn" really sell 20 million copies in a matter of a span of twelve months?  Inquiring minds really wanna know...

As research would determine, this primary audience who just happened to be married women, fantasized the core message about the redeeming power of love. These women verbalized buying "Steele-Grey" ties for their husbands while shopping for similar sex toys and blogging about the novel's unrivalled power to reignite the heat and intensity behind closed doors.

Interestingly enough, it would appear that readers are somewhat undecided about the writing talent of Ms. E.L. James.  While 55% of the James fans view her as is a genius who writes with tantalizing detail about forbidden sexual desires to submit, succumb, possess and ultimately punish our virgin princess who has just graduated from college, another 45%  of audience viewed in unfavorable, by giving it only one star on Amazon.com.  What's more, the audience appears to relate to the complicated relationship between the insecure virgin and her bossy prince charming, whose relationship evolves very quickly over the course of this series. But at its core, James manages to captivate her readers with the most popular category in book publishing... "Love and Romance." Despite its mixed reputation, the series is an old-fashioned love story involving mild bondage, uncommon sex toys, and good old "vanilla sex" mixed with "kinky fuckery."  It is truly the classic boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-gets-girl-back plot which has fueled audiences for centuries.  And while I can honestly say that I have never really been a fan of "Chick Flicks" for the fictional sensationalism that continues to fuel this particular fantasy craze, I shamefully admit to not being able to put this book down, earnestly wanting to know with every page turn, what will happen next.

So exactly what did I learn from my experience through the best selling genre of
love and romance, also known as "Mommy Porn...???"

Does SEX Sell... Usually YES, but more importantly, most appear to be ultimately interested in the love aspect of this series. True enough, as the story unfolds, our virgin princess not only develops quite an appetite for her partner, she shows a stamina for what appears to be sex on almost a daily basis. While married women may NOT have that insatiable appetite for raw unadulterated sex, getting caught up in the sensationalism of fictional romanticism could prove to be quite the challenge.  After all, what woman wouldn't desire the best aspects of Mr. Grey to be hidden somewhere within their own true  partner? Page after page is a dissertation about how lost in love these two are for one another or descriptions about being in the throws of unbridled passion, although our hero can't stand to be touched. Ironic... maybe not.


Don't Show All Your Cards- Fiction or not, our virgin princess continually displays her insecurities throughout the trilogy by professing... "How can a beautiful man like this be interested in a young, inexperienced girl like me?"  Understanding that no one is perfect, its only human nature that we all might come to the table with our own form of insecurities.  Believing that we are all a work in progress, shouldn't we also think that it is in our best interest to continuously work on our issues, until they are no longer at the fore-front?  Even our prince recognized his faults and understood their origin as well as a need to resolve them.  Throughout the series, he continues to work on them, never giving up, and even encouraging the love of his life to do the same. While his solution was to seek the guidance of a shrink (and our prince confesses that he's seen many shrinks with many different methods of attack,) he established the need to continue on until he discovered who and what therapy worked best for him. Further acknowledging that he is still a work in progress, and still willing to do the work to get the job done. We are all deserving and worthy... if we believe we are.

What Works For Some May Not Work For Others-    Call it "degrading" or "mommy porn" or any of the other things that reviewers and critics alike have labeled it.  And while it may not be your thing... what it is very successful at is allowing its readers to escape the humdrum of every day life while addressing the needs of a particular woman, albeit it inexperienced, to have her every desire met by a man who truly adores her.  Tell me what woman in their right mind, would not want a piece of that action?  Fiction or not... sign me up!  And while the strong single women of today may not be willing to recognize "the N Word," the longing to be desired has to be forefront in the minds of those women simply just want to be loved.  Who among us can blame them?

Do Not Over Think Things-    As if you didn’t already recognize from our princess' constant inner dialogue, she spends way too much time in her head. Instead, let loose every now and then and go with your instincts.  If so led,  feel free to look for love in all the unexpected places. Yes, I understand that this is fiction true enough, but who knows what could be in store for you? How many times have you heard about a real-life romance that happened right under the receiver's nose?  You could call it fate or destiny, but isn't it plausible that it was a matter of taking a chance on something totally unexpected on the road the less traveled?  But even more simplistic than the task of finding love, is how this particular phenomenon of the tangible paper kind caused millions of women, including myself, to take a selfish time out to address a more important need... "ME TIME!"


So before you make the same error that I did... dismissing the hoop-la of the Fifty Shades Trilogy... Take heed to the words of our fictional Adonis, Christian Grey:

“My belief is to achieve success in any scheme.  One has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail.”       

My Baby Is BORN!

Okay, Okay!  So I didn't actually give birth to a living soul, but this thing that I have been living a breathing for the past several years, has finally come to life!

In its entirety, this collection of dating stories and dating lessons learned is a culmination of the eight years in the making.  It's  been a long and arduous journey, but I knew in my heart that the point had to be made. No matter how long it took, I was bound and determined that tradition would not get the best of me...or any other women for that matter. When yesterdays society dictations are no longer appropriate for today's society, then somethings gotta change.

What I mean is... by tradition, marriage was the standard that all should strive for.  Some experts feel that past social norms and gender relations have caused women to be preprogrammed to want marriage. I too fell victim to such programming.  Barbie and Ken along with my Easy Bake Oven made it easy for me to fall into that romanticized vision of getting married and living happily ever after.  In my early years, I wasn't as cognizant as Little Riley, to recognize the marketing trickery of big business.  I did think that all girls wanted to be pink princesses. Unbeknown to me, Little Riley would now become one of my super heroes.

Just because a girl doesn't get married doesn't mean that she should feel like a failure.  Everyday I hear stories from women who feel inadequate simply because they are still single.  Many times I am confronted with that dreaded questions..."Why are you still single?"... as if to imply that it is some type of curse.  Today, my answer is almost always..."Why not?  What's wrong with being single?" Not that I am against marriage, by any means.  On the contrary. It took me a while to realize that marriage is just one branch on my tree of life.  Most trees have many branches, and even those branches can have many limbs extending off of them. Those branches represent the many options that life has to offer. And the beauty in all of this is... not one tree looks the same. Sure there are apple trees or maple trees and even weeping willows. They may bear the same fruit, but no tree is exactly alike.

It wasn't until I decided to explore the male perspective on dating, that I realized how right they actually  are. Being on the receiving end of men's dating mishaps, can make it hard to see the good that can come from the male perspective. Should you be able to separate yourself from the lies and deceit that women are often exposed to, and replace it with honesty, then it's not hard to see that they may be on to something. Only then is it easy to see that men tend not to apply the same pressures to themselves as do women, and take on a more relaxed approach to dating.  They typically do not sum up a woman on the first date to determine if she is marriage material.  They simply want to go out and enjoy a woman's company.  That's it.  There is no expectation.  They don't make things complicated.  There is no implication of exclusivity. It's all about having a good time.  At least initially anyway.

But times are in fact changing. The numbers of available men are dwindling.  CNN recently reported that there are only 88 single men to every 100 single women.  To add insult to injury, many women also find themselves living in cities such as New York, Philadelphia, D.C. and Atlanta, where  the single pool of women largely outweigh the number of single men. Women are finding themselves in single status due to no fault of their own, and its becoming a phenomenon that no one can control.  Situations such as unemployment, gay or bi-sexual preferences for men, contribute to the pool of undesirable mates, leaving women without many options.  Like it or not, a new societal tradition is rearing its ugly head.

When forced to tackle the question of "What if I never get married?" over eight years ago, I found nothing available to comfort my broken heart. Instead, I was flooded with the many ways to find Mr. Right.  Confused but yet determined to find another option, my discovery lead to the birth of my baby, "Why Should Men Have All The Fun?!"

What I've discovered is that life without marriage can be fabulous! In fact, many of my married friends contend the same.  But the purpose here is to encourage single women to live the life they have always dreamed of, with or without a mate.  Realizing that all everyone really wants is companionship, then they are encouraged to explore the male perspective by taking a more casual approach, throwing away that old notion that the outcome of dating must be marriage.

So with that thought in mind, I am challenging women to seek the adventure in dating. Try dating outside your dating box by traveling to a new city to explore a new pool of men. Maybe explore interracial dating. And even better still, try dating more that one man at a time. Be safe, but have fun.  It just might be the most fun a single girl could ever have.

"Why Should Men Have All The Fun?!" is now available on:

Amazon.com:  https://www.amazon.com/author/djjohnson

CreateSpace E-store: https://www.createspace.com/3559874

The Kindle version will also be available within the next few weeks.

Blessings to you all!

Don't Be a Valentine's Day Sucker

I am usually pretty irritated whenever someone I do not know decides that I need to hear his or her personal telephone conversation. Its equally frustrating when the noise pollution you chose not to hear is forced upon you at a time when you can't get away.  Such was the case at the gym today.  

With my ear buds in and my music at full range, the annoying declarations of the adorable skinny brunette on the treadmill next to me, began to work my last nerve.  Not so much because she was having a full fledged conversation on her iPhone without as much as breaking a sweat much less having a hard time breathing, but because she was whining about another Valentine’s Day without a Valentine. Are you kidding me???

And while it was all I could do to not knock her off that treadmill and shake her to her senses, I managed to contain myself long enough to at least hear her out…since I really didn’t have a choice in the matter anyway. The more I listened, the more enraged I became. 

Didn’t she understand the Valentine’s Day was invented for all the shmucks that don’t do what they are required to do every other single day of the year?  You don’t get one day to prove your love to me… your supposed to do that EVERY DAY!!!   Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that everyday should be filled with flowers, candy and un-dying declarations of love, but the pressures of this day would not need to stress us out if we did our jobs as partners, lovers and friends. Call me crazy, but I would rather you make me a fantastic dinner with wine on a random Wednesday night, then to spend $200 on Valentine’s night.  Now that’s what I call special.

And while I understood her point about not having a Valentine on this particular day, should it really matter that much to us anyway??? Not that her feelings are not valid.  I get it. Everybody wants to be loved.  But does that make you any less of a person if you don’t have a date on this particular day?  You just worked off 600 calories at the gym only to put it back on eating that gift box of high priced chocolates. And those over-priced roses will die at the same rate as the one’s that will be bought next week for $30 less.  Why can’t you be your OWN Valentine…I thought to myself.  If it means that much to you, then buy yourself the candy and the flowers.  Take yourself out for that special dinner.  Or better yet…why not treat it as any other day???

But should you decide to venture out on this night, here are a few suggestions that might help you go it alone:

Try the gym- I can all but guarantee that a visit to the gym on Valentine’s night might prove to be invaluable, as chances are, you won’t be the only single person there. Put on your best smile and check out the weight room. See anything you like? Not only will you get the opportunity to work off the valentine chocolate you ate at the office, but you just might be the perfect piece of eye candy for someone else.

Care for a beer?  Now that the Super Bowl has been played and football is in the wind, it’s on to the next one. February is basketball season and there is a good chance that there is a game on somewhere. If he’s at the local sports bar watching the game, chances are he’s single too.

Better Yet… Is there a Game in Town? Check your local basketball or hockey team schedule to see if there is a game in town.  While there may be a few couples there that bought tickets to celebrate the night, I bet there will be a few single guys there too, just kickin' it because the game is in town.

Just maybe I blew an opportunity to school the adorable skinny brunette on the treadmill, by not shaking some sense into her.  If I had it to do all over again, I would tell her not to be a Valentine’s day Sucker.  Don’t give into the pressure, but love yourself enough to make the day work for you.  Then I would slap the iPhone out of her hand and tell her to take her whiny conversation someplace else.