Checking Your Pulse...

Well, here we are already!  In a few short days, the reign of first month of 2013 will be over and its predecessor will continue the course.  The holidays are behind us now, and we are very much back in the groove of our daily grind.   As it seems the norm, the days just seem to fly right by us without as much as a tap on the shoulder. But before January leaves us, I feel compelled to ask the question... Are you failing or succeeding with your New Years Resolutions?

On the first day of the new year, I wrote a blog posting about living an intentional life with passion.  I challenged you to make this your year of action by quashing your fears and making more of the good stuff happen in your life. You were confronted with executing the existence that you've always envisioned for yourself, and making your 2013 your best year ever.  How is that working out for you?

I pose this question of the 27th day of the new year, simply because most experts believe that it takes a minimum of 21 days to change a habit or to form a new one. Whether or not this is really the case is debatable. For you it may take a bit longer. For me, it may only be a few days. I think it really depends on the habit that you are trying to change, and the method that you employ that appears to the best for you. But big or small, the only question that really matters... is your change still in the fore-front of your mind, or have you tossed it by the waste side because you've already given up on it? Are you checking your pulse?  

If you've given up, then I implore you... Don't be so hard on yourself.  Many of us fail during the first days or weeks of starting a new change.  Don't be afraid to let your failures define you.  Failure can equal success when we take the time to learn from it. Even the wise Winston Churchill reminds us - "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." The good news is that you can begin again.  Just because you may have tossed aside your change, resolution or habit, doesn't mean that you can't pick it up and try once again.

Lord knows, I've become an expert at "trying again."  To give you an example, for many years I had challenged myself to save more money. To this goal, I would deploy what I perceived to be simple measures, such as putting ten percent of my paycheck into a savings account. Then as the need would arise, I would spend it. $20 for gas or $50 for a night out with the girlfriends.  And before I knew it, my $350 savings would dwindle down to a mere $46, and the bank would then close my account for failing to keep a minimum balance. But after taking a well deserved year long sabbatical, and spending a pretty hefty chunk of my rainy day fund, 2013 brought with it the need to become a better steward of my hard earned cash. With the reminder of my previous savings fiascos still firmly on my mind, I knew I needed a different approach. But what I also knew was in order to make this a lasting change, I needed to start small. Maybe even miniscule. This time, I charged myself task of simply taking my lunch to work, in lieu of eating out. I was averaging about $10-$12 a day. In my mind, not only would this help in my stewardship, but it would also assist with my weight struggles, since I have a tendency to make menu selections based on options that would normally not be available to me at home.  Often times, those restaurant selections would end up being a rich, fat-laden house specialty like the southern fried chicken sandwich served beside sweet potato fries, or the shrimp over buttery, creamy, cheesy grits, like those served at one of my local Jackson favorites, Julep. Both are truly worth their weight in calories, and the city of Jackson is filled with many more culinary gems like this one... hence my financial and weight loss dilemmas.

Well, just 19 days into my week day experiment, I've net a whopping $190 in savings that I can actually see in regular checking account. And even more savings than that if you include the twenty percent tip paid to each the server who performed their duties, well. (Yes, I am a sucker for good service.) It's no secret that I love to eat well, so the simple turkey and swiss on multi-grain bread with mayo or mustard, wasn't going to cut it for me. But truth be told, it really boiled down to simply searing a one or two extra pieces of the wild caught salmon made for dinner the night before, and serving it over the same bed of organic kale, also prepared the night before.  Years earlier, a challenge to eat well by planning ahead was formed during my days with Weight Watchers, and one habit that serves me well to this day.  Saturdays are spent planning and purchasing my weekly menu, while Sunday becomes my cooking day.  The reality of the lunch idea translated into planning and preparing an extra protein and veggie, and an extra $15-$20 dollars added into the weekly food budget. What's more, I can still enjoy the practice of eating out (weekends mostly) while I'm saving real money and real calories. Simple in theory, but harder in execution. Everything in moderation... right?

I will confess that this small change is actually a part of the bigger picture of the life I envision for myself.  As I mentioned in that previous blog posting, I really do want to own more years like the totally fabulous one of 2012.  I want more travel adventures. I want to more scuba diving expeditions. And most importantly... I want more love.  But these things take time and money and looking good in that scuba suit. And just maybe, while I am globetrotting around world, and experiencing all the adventures that I plan for myself, I'll be spotted by my Prince Charming, who will fall in love with the awesome woman he recognizes as having the time of her life, and he'll want to be a part of that too!

Are you checking your pulse...???

Loneliness, Romance and Secrets...

  "This whole thing is so nutsy that I believe it only could have happened at Notre Dame, where mythology trumps common sense on a daily basis. ... Given the choice between reality and fiction, Notre Dame always will choose fiction," sports writer Rick Telander said in the Chicago Sun-Times.

Nutsy is right.  At the risk of sounding cynical, I feel the need to ask the question... Have we as a society become so desperate to be loved that we allow ourselves to see things as they are not? Call me old school, but since when does a text or a phone call become a suitable substitution the human touch?  Can we really use the "L" word without even so much as a kiss?  For that matter, do we even know what LOVE truly is?

Since the story broke, like many others, I've been curious to know what that "thing" is that could make someone fall so deeply in love, without so much as meeting in person. To label someone whom you've never even met in person... "your girlfriend?" Publicly? On TV and interviews?  I simply cannot fathom it.  Please don't misunderstand my motives here.  I am not for one moment passing judgement.  I am simply asking the question... how do Te'o and so many others allow themselves to fall so hopelessly in love with someone, whose hand they have yet to hold? I watched the many interviews in which the Notre Dame linebacker passionately described his woman as her knew her as, "the most beautiful girl I ever met..." and "the love of my life...".  In front of millions of football fans, Te'o kneeled to the ground, bowed his head, and said a prayer for the imaginary girlfriend who was to be buried on that very day. And while I realize that there are still many questions surrounding this bizarre quandary, what I saw was a man experiencing real emotion for someone who was a figment of his imagination.

What's even more nuts is that there is now an audience for showcasing the perpetration of people pretending to be someone they are not, and the lies woven to protect the truth at all cost.  "Catfish" the documentary made an astounding $3.5 million dollars that has now spun off into a reality TV show, which is currently in its second season.  Sadly, it follows the lives of so many others who so deeply want to connect with someone, that they are willing to ignore the red flags that wave along the way. The show does in fact bring to light some couples who are able to connect and find the love they desired, but often times than not, the story ends up in the hands of a lonely person perpetrating lies that they never intended to explode horribly out of control. A cruel deception made possible by the innovations of the digital age.

As an advocate for online dating, it breaks my heart to see the lines between the dream of love and reality of finding it, so blurred by trickery.  What can start out as an alluring adventure, sadly turns into an unfathomable sea of verifiable shams.  If all anyone really wants is to be loved, then the question becomes, why not be honest about who we are and what we want?  Since when has a lie become more attractive than the truth, that the perpetrator fails to look ahead to the real moment of truth, when the con comes to light?  Has our reality become so blurred with the glamor and fantasy of Hollywood, that our own lives seem so trivial that we feel forced to create a vision of ourselves that is less than truthful? Why are we not good enough?

Although this story is still unfolding, I cannot begin to imagine the humiliation that Te'o must be experiencing. My reality is, I do know what it is like to have your heart broken.  Many of us do, and can attest to the myriad of sentiments that follow. However, I do not know what it is like to be "Catfished," and I can't imagine that the old school segment of my thought process will ever allow that to happen.  A few online conversations and phone calls are acceptable in the beginning, but there will always be a large part that will quickly forego that illusion for the desire of the human touch. Impatient? Probably so. But the romantic in me but I will always prefer to look deep into his eyes to see the depths of his soul, rather than to check my phone for the sweet sound of his text message. But that's just me...

Do You Have Kids?

   There have been times when I have written about things I regret.  More times than not, what I really regret is the manner in which I wrote about that topic. You’re writing so quickly, trying hard to capture your every thought on paper.  In the process you're bound to make snap judgements or even rant. When read these rants can appear to be bitchy, judgmental and even sometimes unfair. Today, I hope this isn't the case.

It's not the first time it's happened.  Unfortunately, it happens all the time.  You meet someone for the first time, maybe a neighbor.  Another customer in line at the grocery store.  A co-worker. After exchanging pleasantries, the next question they want answered is... "So, do you have any children?"  As if to say... " Are you the type of woman who desires to be a human incubator for another little person that will at some point of his or her own choosing,  aggressively impel its way through your guts all while simultaneously transforming your life to revolve around his?"

Are all woman presumed to have or want children? Is it assumed that our path of life takes us all down a street with a Babies R Us proudly displayed in the center of a cul de sac, and we are all expected to get out and skip with glee at the mere presence of its large purple letters above its door. Really?

What then becomes hysterical, is look on their face when the question is answered with an astounding... No.  They want to check the time on their wrist watch, all while trying not to be obviously puzzled by the response. Priceless! Its as if the look at the wristwatch translates to... Do you know how much time you have left? -while the puzzled look parlays to ... And just how old are you, anyway?

I'd be quick to point the finger to my stint in Mississippi, but the truth is, I've always been asked this question.  Even my own gynecologist has cautioned... "Don't wait too long." But in his defense, he gets a pass, since he does live and breathe this sort of thing on a daily basis. Mostly, I can give my position, and it is accepted and respected.  In some cases, I state my position and a light bulb goes off, as if it was a position that had not even been given consideration, and now worthy of contemplation as a new option. Those are the moments I enjoy, especially when it comes from a young woman at the beginning stages of forging her path.  But here lately, I find myself having to succumb to the pressure of having to defend the choices I've made for my life. There is only one way of life here in the deep south. I'll give you no husband...women here raise children by themselves all the time. But childless?  That backwards way of thinking has no place here in Mississippi.

And please do not mis-understand my rant.  I personally believe that mothers are the most incredible people in the world.  I believe it is also one of the most challenging vocations to get right.  So when I say that this applaud is coming from someone who has once left for work and had forgotten to put food in her dog's bowl, it is with the utmost sincerity that I salute mothers.

But this isn't about motherhood.  Nor is it about children. It is about all of those women who chose NOT to be rated by their potential to give life. It has no more or less merit than for those who do. This is for all the women who for whatever reason, can't. This is about all those women who have chosen more freedom and perhaps a different set of responsibilities. It is about all of those women who courageously admit that their talents could best be suited elsewhere.  And this is about all those women who chose to wait for Mr. Right, but didn't find him in time. It would be nice to be considered worthy of my contributions as a person, as opposed to the number of eggs I have fertilized. To whole-heartedly assume that a free thinking, productive and creative woman can not be totally fulfilled unless she chooses to dip into that cul de sac with the Babies R Us, is simply unthinkable. It's as if no action can ever be equivalent to giving birth, and for that matter, why would you want otherwise? Are you kidding me?

So in the event that you see me sporting a new shorter, trendier coiffure... it is probably safe to assume that I have pulled my hair out from the sheer frustration of having to explain why I do not have kids.

Its Up To You... Choose Well!

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."  George Bernard Shaw-

There is a certain satisfaction that comes with the realization that there is power in freedom. The idea that I can make a decision to go ANYWHERE and do just about ANYTHING is not just alluring… it’s liberating!  All that is needed is a desire. It can start with the simplest of ideas, like travel or even work for example. The concept of freedom is such a wonderful thing, and yet many of us don’t exercise it to the fullest extent.  We react to life as it happens instead of conscientiously choosing where we want our lives to go.  When was the last time you chose to exercise your autonomy?

Jackson, Mississippi. A choice.  Most of my friends thought I had lost my mind when I made the choice to relocate, albeit temporarily. "Why in the world would you want to move there?" inquiring minds wanted to know. Professionally, it was a really good move, but mostly I did it because I had the freedom to do it.  Why wouldn't I choose the opportunity to explore a state famous for it's devilishly-rich mud pies and seductive blues music? Legends like Sam Cooke, Muddy Waters, Bo Diddley and BB King all sprung from these waters. Need more? How about Conway Twitty, Jimmy Buffett, Ike Turner and even Elvis himself. And that's just music. Going deeper into the vault you’ll find Pulitzer Prize winning authors such as William Faulkner and Eudora Welty, just to name a few. But in my humble opinion, I have to admit that my all-time favorite Mississippian has to be none other than Sweetness himself, Walter Payton.

And while exploring the ins and outs of any city can have its romantic allure, it hasn't been all roses.  Just as recent as our Presidential election, racism reared its ugly head highlighting the hatred of Mississippi’s student population in lead news story on every station across the country. Bringing it ever so close to home, are the subtle innuendos frequently spewed out during personal encounters experienced during an ordinary work day, and so terribly sad that we are still have reason to mention these atrocities in 2013.  Nonetheless, in fewer than 30 days time, I’ll pack it all in and set off for a new set of experiences in my new choice city of Greenville, South Carolina.

As with most things in life, you are compelled to consider the good with the bad.  How else are we obliged to receive the other?  But the truth is, Jackson Mississippi is in many ways not much different than La Ceiba, Honduras, or even Paris, France for that matter.  Good, bad or indifferent, each has deeply etched its own unique position on my lifeline and blessed me with experiences that were a direct result of my own freedom to choose.

I'll confess... its hard not to question whether a choice is the right one. What if I had not chosen Jackson, MS? What if I chosen, Jacksonville, FL? The one thing I am confident of is that the people you meet, and the places you go are meant to teach you something. The trick is to be receptive and open to the possibilities that people are placed in your path for a reason.  But its more that just being receptive. My personal belief is that we all share a responsibility to give back and spread love right where we are. That's part of the ebbs and flows of life. That's the bigger picture. And in that I can be confident.

I am truly grateful for the God given right to be the person I choose to be.  I can explore all the places I desire and do all of the wonderful things that are available to me. The choices are mine to make. Today, I choose to enjoy the patter of the raindrops as they fall onto the rooftop of my Jackson chateau. Tomorrow, I may choose to drive with Maxamole’ up to the Ross Barnett Reservoir and stroll along the Harbour Walk. Whatever I do…I know it will be the right choice!

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've always imagined.
- Henry David Thoreau

"... Bad Girls Go EVERYWHERE!"

"To know her was to truly love everything about her." says a former assistant of Helen Gurley-Brown. I didn't know her.  I didn't even really know of her, truth be told.  But I do know about the legacy that she leaves behind, and sadly, that doesn't even begin to skim the surface of the life of a woman who could have been my heroine.  Well, at least one of them anyway.

As I began the research for my book, "Why Should Men Have All The Fun?," one of the first reads I ventured across happened to be "Sex and the Single Girl." Flipping through its description and table of contents, I would swiftly dismissed it thinking... surely, a book written in 1962, (and years before I was born) would hold very little significance for today's modern single woman.  Instead, I chose to read books like "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene and Neil Strauss' "The Game." It wasn't hard to quantify that further getting inside the heads of men was to have been the chosen road. As it would turn out, neither of which served any purpose, since the my writing quickly took on a life of it's own, in the form of a memoir. Who knew?

But as I think back to those chapters told, I can recall how a few of the sexy, salacious articles in the very same Cosmopolitan Magazine, electrically charged some of the very actions I confessed on those pages.  From the barely there ads of racy under garments, to the erotic samples of fragrances that perfumed my mailbox each month, to say that it  somehow influenced the formidable woman I've become, would be a definite understatement.  Yes, the goal-oriented articles about "How to Land that Perfect Job," would prove to be an interesting read, but it was really the scandalous essays on "How to Please Your Man in Bed" that caught the eye of every college girl around.  And who could blame us?That's the stuff that Mama never told us about.  The sharing of that subscription with my five college roommates became a monthly ritual that would shape us all to some degree...and some of us more than others.  I can laugh now about how vividly I recall becoming inflamed about how my magazine would magically disappearing, never to be found again, which coincidentally led to putting a lock on my bedroom door, just to be able to get through an entire issue. Who knew?

And as I now glance through tidbits about the tantalizing life of Ms. Gurley Brown, I am now overcome by a slight sadness, ashamed to now realize the potential of her reach. Why did I not know of her before? A champion of women's sexual freedoms during the days when Jeannie would magically appear out of her bottle via her pretty puff of pink smoke, (barely showing her cleavage, much less her belly button) at the beck and call of her Master, Astronaut Tony Nelson. These were the days of Harriet Nelson and June Cleaver, whose lives centered around the shenanigans of their children, never kissing their husbands in the lips. Re-runs of I Love Lucy were still very much in the mix, depicting how Lucy and Ricky got pregnant with Little Ricky, while sleeping in separate twin-sized beds.  Yet, there is this trendsetter crying out to all of the single women across all lands to live large, be fearless, stay sexy and remain single. She was not just an infamous promoter of women's sexual liberation, she was a working-class woman's role model who declared herself, her magazine and her message feminist, all the while taking tons of flack from her critics.  She was in fact a teacher who didn't just preach it... she lived every word she wrote.  And while her actions may not warrant a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, she does as the very least deserve a place in the pantheon of 20th-century feminist leaders. Who knew?

Now that I know a bit more about this intrepid heroine who I never existed to me until her death,  I  raise my glass of wine to her as I celebrate her words...

"Good Girls Go to Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere!"

Fifty Shades of Fascinating Philosophies...

I can't speak for you, but there was a time in recent months where everything I saw and read had at least a reference to the trilogy... "Fifty Shades of Grey." Wanting to understand what all the hoop-la was about, I like everyone else, jumped on the bandwagon  and purchased a copy of the first book in the series.  Despite the publicity,  as a newly published author, I was genuinely intrigued to understand what the excitement was all about.  Exactly what was it about this book, by a fellow first time author, made everyone who read it... want more?  I could in fact understand, if this work centered around a famous person or persons that we could relate to on some tangible level.  But as a society, have we become so starved and curious about the sexual escapades of fictional characters?  Curious minds wanted to know... what magic was concocted in this particular series that would make THREE books, best sellers?  Does "Mommy Porn" really sell 20 million copies in a matter of a span of twelve months?  Inquiring minds really wanna know...

As research would determine, this primary audience who just happened to be married women, fantasized the core message about the redeeming power of love. These women verbalized buying "Steele-Grey" ties for their husbands while shopping for similar sex toys and blogging about the novel's unrivalled power to reignite the heat and intensity behind closed doors.

Interestingly enough, it would appear that readers are somewhat undecided about the writing talent of Ms. E.L. James.  While 55% of the James fans view her as is a genius who writes with tantalizing detail about forbidden sexual desires to submit, succumb, possess and ultimately punish our virgin princess who has just graduated from college, another 45%  of audience viewed in unfavorable, by giving it only one star on Amazon.com.  What's more, the audience appears to relate to the complicated relationship between the insecure virgin and her bossy prince charming, whose relationship evolves very quickly over the course of this series. But at its core, James manages to captivate her readers with the most popular category in book publishing... "Love and Romance." Despite its mixed reputation, the series is an old-fashioned love story involving mild bondage, uncommon sex toys, and good old "vanilla sex" mixed with "kinky fuckery."  It is truly the classic boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-gets-girl-back plot which has fueled audiences for centuries.  And while I can honestly say that I have never really been a fan of "Chick Flicks" for the fictional sensationalism that continues to fuel this particular fantasy craze, I shamefully admit to not being able to put this book down, earnestly wanting to know with every page turn, what will happen next.

So exactly what did I learn from my experience through the best selling genre of
love and romance, also known as "Mommy Porn...???"

Does SEX Sell... Usually YES, but more importantly, most appear to be ultimately interested in the love aspect of this series. True enough, as the story unfolds, our virgin princess not only develops quite an appetite for her partner, she shows a stamina for what appears to be sex on almost a daily basis. While married women may NOT have that insatiable appetite for raw unadulterated sex, getting caught up in the sensationalism of fictional romanticism could prove to be quite the challenge.  After all, what woman wouldn't desire the best aspects of Mr. Grey to be hidden somewhere within their own true  partner? Page after page is a dissertation about how lost in love these two are for one another or descriptions about being in the throws of unbridled passion, although our hero can't stand to be touched. Ironic... maybe not.


Don't Show All Your Cards- Fiction or not, our virgin princess continually displays her insecurities throughout the trilogy by professing... "How can a beautiful man like this be interested in a young, inexperienced girl like me?"  Understanding that no one is perfect, its only human nature that we all might come to the table with our own form of insecurities.  Believing that we are all a work in progress, shouldn't we also think that it is in our best interest to continuously work on our issues, until they are no longer at the fore-front?  Even our prince recognized his faults and understood their origin as well as a need to resolve them.  Throughout the series, he continues to work on them, never giving up, and even encouraging the love of his life to do the same. While his solution was to seek the guidance of a shrink (and our prince confesses that he's seen many shrinks with many different methods of attack,) he established the need to continue on until he discovered who and what therapy worked best for him. Further acknowledging that he is still a work in progress, and still willing to do the work to get the job done. We are all deserving and worthy... if we believe we are.

What Works For Some May Not Work For Others-    Call it "degrading" or "mommy porn" or any of the other things that reviewers and critics alike have labeled it.  And while it may not be your thing... what it is very successful at is allowing its readers to escape the humdrum of every day life while addressing the needs of a particular woman, albeit it inexperienced, to have her every desire met by a man who truly adores her.  Tell me what woman in their right mind, would not want a piece of that action?  Fiction or not... sign me up!  And while the strong single women of today may not be willing to recognize "the N Word," the longing to be desired has to be forefront in the minds of those women simply just want to be loved.  Who among us can blame them?

Do Not Over Think Things-    As if you didn’t already recognize from our princess' constant inner dialogue, she spends way too much time in her head. Instead, let loose every now and then and go with your instincts.  If so led,  feel free to look for love in all the unexpected places. Yes, I understand that this is fiction true enough, but who knows what could be in store for you? How many times have you heard about a real-life romance that happened right under the receiver's nose?  You could call it fate or destiny, but isn't it plausible that it was a matter of taking a chance on something totally unexpected on the road the less traveled?  But even more simplistic than the task of finding love, is how this particular phenomenon of the tangible paper kind caused millions of women, including myself, to take a selfish time out to address a more important need... "ME TIME!"


So before you make the same error that I did... dismissing the hoop-la of the Fifty Shades Trilogy... Take heed to the words of our fictional Adonis, Christian Grey:

“My belief is to achieve success in any scheme.  One has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail.”       

"You Make Me Sick..."

"You make me sick!  You make single life look like its so much fun!  How do you do that?"

Who says something like that???    Unfortunately for me, the words came from a dear single girlfriend during a recent conversation. It all started as an inquiry into my recent four month solo travel epic through Central America, and some how evolved into..."You make me sick..." 

Now I am no expert on how to live an irresistibly insatiable life, but I am pretty darn happy and fulfilled.  I know myself, I know what I like, and I have an incredibly fun social life that just happens to be filled with a whole lot of terrific people.  In fact, I have the "BEST" girlfriends in the entire world to be more specific. And while they have a lot to do with what makes me happy in general, I also know how to celebrate my quiet time. 

But in my opinion, the woman who is miserably single will probably be pretty unhappy in other areas of her life. If I had to venture a guess, I would bet you anything there are other issues she's wrestling with and it's just easier to blame her singleness than it is to do the work she would need to address her true evils.

And while my friend's comment took me by surprise, I didn't believe for one moment her comment should be taken literally. Regardless of your marital status, I truly believe that one of our sole purposes on this Earth is to enjoy the life we have been given while collectively spreading love, joy and experience with those around us.  After all, the "Golden Rule... is to do onto others as you would have them do unto you."  If the situation were in reverse, and I was the one who was perceived as miserably single, I would hope that someone to take an interest to help me out of my melancholy and gloom.

With that purpose in mind, I tried my best to decipher the biggest influences that would have drawn her conclusion, and tried to make a few humble suggestions to aid her (and others for that matter) onto the road of the glorious single life...

Surround Yourself With FABULOUS People- I mentioned earlier that I have the "BEST" girlfriends in the world.  And while each of them serves a specific role, in general, I believe that we all do an excellent job of supporting and lifting up one another. We are more than friends... we are mentors,  teachers and sometimes family members. We are great listeners and we know just how to be there when we are needed. We also know how to make each other feel good about ourselves, and that's an important part of the friendship.  When we feel good about ourselves, it becomes infectious. We also understand that not everyone is going to like us... but we don't want everyone to like us. If they don't know what they are missing out on... then that's their problem and not ours.

Be a DOER... Not Just A THINKER- Thinkers sit around contemplating change, but DOERS actually put their thoughts to action.  What's the point of putting together a great plan, if its not executed. After all, "faith without works is dead"... right??? Doers are active people.  They have hobbies that they love and engage in them on a regular basis. Work is not the total focus of their being and achieving balance can take some time and practice, but makes for an incredibly well-rounded person.  They don't rely on other people to entertain them, they do a great job of doing that all by themselves. Doers are smart people with curious, educated opinions, and are not the least bit afraid of doing things alone if need be.  They enjoy their own company and do not wait for others to experience the things they themselves want to do.  You see them everywhere... the solo-ists who are enjoying the newest restaurant, taking that cooking class or traveling alone to explore a new city or country.


Truly Know THY Self- I truly believe that to be appealing to others, you must first be comfortable in your own skin. No games. No false pretenses. Just 100% you.  We are interesting people with terrific social lives. Take time out to figure out what makes you happy, because everyone loves a happy person.  Would you want to spend your time with someone who is a constant complainer?  You can't pretend to be a lover of wine if all the wine you know is White Zinfandel. (Sorry, if I offend anyone... but friends don't let friends drink white zinfandel!) Take the time to educate yourself on those things you enjoy.  Interested in something but don't know enough about it to really enjoy it?  Then take the time out to explore it. There is something about having a true interest in something to attract the right people to you.  From childhood, I had always wanted to explore scuba diving.  Recently,  I decided that I was finally going to do it.  During the process of enjoying my experience, I attracted the attention of a former scuba instructor who is now the director of one of the largest aquariums in the world. Guess who now has an exclusive invitation to take partake in one of the most unique diving experiences in the world?  Me! That's who!

It is my prayer, that these reflections will help anyone, regardless of your marital status, find the road to the glorious life you were meant to live!

That Dreaded "N" Word...

No, not that one silly!  As a single women who is strong and fiercely independent, I do my best to be as autonomous as a single woman can be.  I've always been this way. Even as a young girl, I held down an after school job at a dance studio, simply because I didn't want to have to ask my mother for money. As an auntie, I am constantly encouraging my young nieces to do the same.  If you want something, go after it.  Be smart. Be strong. Be responsible. Be self-sufficient.

Do we as a society, condition our girls and young women in the same manner? I'm not just referring to money here. The messages are everywhere. Stay in school.  Don't have sex. Don't get pregnant. Be smart. Be strong. Be responsible. Be self-sufficent.  And while its all well-meaning, is it possible that its all to our determent?  Is it possible that we are imparting to our young maidens not to "need?"

We've all seen the reports of mothers who freely give of themselves to their families and friends, putting their own needs last.  Clothes need to be washed, dinner needs to be cooked, dishes need to be cleaned, and the kids need help with their homework.  And after she's worked all day, and all the household tasks are complete her husband now wants to fulfill his sexual "needs."  She probably won't communicate that she "needs" a bit of quiet time to herself, and a bubble bath was more along the lines of what she had in mind.  Or if she does, then she'll feel guilty about taking time out for herself.  So I have to ask the question... are we, the independent women of the world, perpetuating a dangerous cycle to give of ourselves never expecting to have our needs met in return?

Now in my professional life, there is no problem expressing the "needs" of the client to the team that will help me accomplish the goal.  Or going to my Facebook page to ask a question because I "need" more information or a second opinion.  But let me "need" more time with the guy I am dating, or "need" for someone to have compassion for a situation I am dealing with, and I can almost guarantee that I not going to ask for what I "need." To appear "needy" in a relationship is perceived as a "cardinal sin" and I'm just not going to do it. In my mind, to be "needy" translates into being helpless or powerless.  I am way to strong and self-sufficient for that.

It's funny when you think about it... but men don't appear to have this problem. I hear them use the word quite frequently. And while they may not expect to get all of their "needs" fulfilled, the certainly don't hesitate to ask in spite of it. Whether it comes to work, play or romance, they ask for what they want, and don't think twice about the perception of appearing needy. Its almost as though they are conditioned to expect for their needs to be met. Who says men are not communicators?

Its ironic that men rely on women throughout their entire lives...first starting with their mothers and then moving on to their girlfriends and finally their wives. So where did the disconnect happen for many of us women? We were not conditioned to rely on our fathers in the same way?

So I guess I find the "need " to ask myself... at what point did I decide it was wrong to "need," rely on others or even ask for help? When did "need" translate into helplessness or powerless? And more importantly, is this the message that I want to relay to my nieces and all of the other young women who's paths I have crossed?

The older I get, the more I realize how complicated life can be.  I've always understood the power of my words, and the importance of clear communication, but there are time when actions speak louder than words. The damage may have already been done, but I hope it's not too late to right the wrong... to "NEED" can be a good thing... and it's not the curse word it used to be.

Back To My Reality... As I Choose It For Now...

Sunset at San Juan Del Sur, Nicaragua

“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” — Lao Tzu

As much as I hate to admit it... travel adventures as I know it are now over. Gone is the freedom of solo travel and the allure of meeting new friends to explore new adventures. At least, for now.  Not because I choose it to be over, but because the reality of life has come to the forefront. As much as I would love to globetrot as if I were Lewis and Clark, my last name is neither, and the Johnson's of my family tree has not endowed me a trust fund in which to subsidize my hearts desires.  And yes, although I can pay bills by internet and keep in touch with family members via Skype, I do not possess the team of people that I trust to give full autonomy to my financial state of affairs to renew car registration, car tags and drivers license. My guess is that to assemble a team as such would probably take millions... millions I do not have. At least not yet anyway.  And so my reality is... to return to life as I knew it.

But the truth is, life will never really be as it was.  The reality is... experiences make us grow. Learning new lessons, and implementing them into our lives changes everything about who we once were. Mr. Albert Einstein I know would agree.  To take a page from his book...

 “The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.”

Albert was a smart man.  Every time I step foot in a new city, a new country, a new continent... I am in awe.  There is something hypnotic about experiencing the world that you've only been able to read about on paper, come to life before your very eyes. The world, if you've never seen it, is the mysterious.  And it is out there, sitting, waiting for all who are willing to take privilege in it.

Sadly, when I joined the ranks of Americans who actually held passports in 1998, I was devastated to learn that I was part of a small but elite group just over 6.5 million or 15% of the international traveling minority in this country.   It wasn't until 2007, that the travesty of 9/11 made it mandatory for Americans traveling to Canada and Mexico be required to acquire passports when traveling on land or sea.  But even then, the number only jumped to 18.3 million or 22% of the American public. Even as of this writing, only 30% of Americans possess a passport in 2012, according to a recent CNN travel article.

“Without new experiences, something inside of us sleeps. The sleeper must awaken.” 

– Frank Herbert

But the truth is, travel can be a reality for all of us who deem it a priority.  I often hear people affirm ... "you sure travel a lot!", as if it were a privilege only afforded to the wealthy. Just yesterday, I heard those very words while chatting to an old high school acquaintance.  I suppose that is because, I do see it as my reality. And for things which we ourselves deem as important... these things then take precedence.

I suppose I obtained the spirit of exploration from my father.  A truck driver by trade, he was determined to see..."as much of GOD'S green Earth as HE would allow." Despite the fact he understood it required a bit more time to travel with me, because I "couldn't just pee in a cup" like my brother... he still deemed it significant for me to experience the long trek along the Canadian pipeline to the heights of Alaska... TWICE.  As a little girl, I often resented not being able to travel with my Dad as much as my brother, and so I in turn felt the urgency to direct my aim so that I could perfect the talent of being able to "pee in a cup." Little good that did me...

But back to the point at hand... there is never a good time for change, but it is important to understand is what the cost would be if we don't.  What do we stand to loose if we don't create travel opportunities for ourselves.  By not executing a curiosity for the unknown, what message does this send to our children, nieces, nephews and youth of tomorrow...  Americans are comfortable in their own environment, and do not find it important enough to venture out into unfamiliar territory. Why on Earth is that??? In many countries, but particularly Israeli, it is considered a rite of passage to travel abroad. They do this in the year following army service, as a way to unwind from the stress of serving two to three years.  I was able to experience this first hand during my travels throughout Central America. Young Israelis were everywhere, as were other nationalities. Sadly, few Americans were to be found.

Foremost on the reasons to travel is that you discover a lot about yourself. Now I'm not talking about taking a family trip to Disney World. When I speak of a special vacation, I envision someone backpacking across Europe or driving along the coast of Australia... that is, a trip with cultural significance. Not many things in the world can inspire you like seeing the Colosseum in Rome or the Pyramids in Egypt.  Whether you're a lover of history, architecture or nature, only travel will satisfy your passion. No words can describe the rush you feel when gazing upon the Mona Lisa or admiring the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.  Experiences can range from the legendary (watching the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain) to the relaxing (enjoying a hot spring while snow swirls around you in Iceland), but they share one common link: they are all memorable. In every corner of the world, there is excitement waiting for you. It is simply a matter of sticking your head out and going for it.

Time puts everything in perspective for us. Can you recall those stressful milestones that once invaded your life – your first exam, your first date, your first real job?  Many of these you barely remember because in the grand scheme they’re not the significant events they once were.  Leaving your current situation may seem daunting, but in the future it may only seem like a minor event in your life, and perhaps even an obvious choice.  If you don’t make the travel change now, will you regret it years later?

“I see my path, but I don’t know where it leads. Not knowing where I’m going is what

 inspires me to travel it.” — Rosalia de Castro

Amen Ms. Rosalia! Amen to that!

In The Pursuit of Happiness- Forming A Great Offense... Part 1

This month I celebrate the blessing of yet another birthday.  

My Facebook page both proudly and humbly showcases over 100 birthday well wishes from friends and family.  And while they are each individually humbling enough to bring any girl to tears… there was one in particular that made me take pause.  It conveyed:

“So I see you still have a love of the water… Blessings to you on a wonderful birthday.”

It was sent from a dear childhood friend with whom I had known since the fourth grade.  It gave pause because her exclamation brought me back to a youthful time when my career dream was to become a marine biologist.  It was this, that would later inspire me to become both lifeguard and a water safety instructor. The third of these career steps would require future certification from diving instruction. In hindsight, I’m not exactly sure how my youthful brain translated that into a career in water sciences, but back then, I made perfect sense. I knew, in my heart of hearts, becoming a marine biologist would fulfill a life long dream… and thus produce a lifetime of happiness.  

In the spirit of birthdays and happiness… There’s something that magically happens once you are fully aware that you are about to enter your forties.  At least it did for me, and for a few countless others  whom I have promised shall remain nameless. 

I remember it like it was yesterday, although in hindsight it was almost 10 years ago.   At age 36, I made the life altering decision to not have children.  Fresh out of a relationship lasting seven years that I felt sure would end in marriage; the thought of being a single parent was never even a remote possibility.  Unless my prince charming magically entered my life at thirty-six and we could make a successful run at things before I turned forty, the possibility of becoming a parent would be gone like the wind.  I searched for him, even prayed for him... but all to no avail.  

As strange as it may seem, there was almost a metamorphosis unconsciously manifesting during the three-year period following my childbearing decision.  And with that came the realization that I was living life as it came to me instead of creating the life I wanted.  As a sports fan, this translated into living a defensive life, when the reality should have been that I should be creating an offensive life.  Sure it is true that defense wins games… but it is the best offense that sets the tone for the ENTIRE game.  Set a great plan in motion, and then defend, but only as the need requires.

So at age 39, it became necessary to inaugurate a new way to think about my life’s path.  Firm on my parenting decision, and now knowing what was now set before me, another inexplicable decision was made, which would unknowingly amend the course of my life forever…  I made the choice to be happy. 

Sure this sounds easy enough, but in order to make it happen, and then make it stick, the process one subjects them to is not an easy one.  It’s not just a decision, but series of decisions, that then are required to translate into repeated actions, which should then be performed over and over on a weekly, monthly yearly basis.  

Simply stating that you want to be happy would then actually require that you understand exactly what happiness is.   Then the act of manifesting happiness in your own life takes not just an understanding of how that translates for you, but an entire journey involving exploration, that in my opinion… never really ends.

I believe that happiness is much more than the many words that describe it. Contentment, pleasure, gladness, joy, bliss, delight, exhilaration, ecstasy and glee just begin to touch the surface, once the implementation of happiness begins.  Webster defines it as:

1-To imply an active or passive state of pleasure or pleasurable satisfaction.

2- A peaceful kind of contentment in which one rests without desires, even though every wish may not have been gratified.

Now, this is just my modest opinion, but to truly possess and retain these emotions is where the true occupation lies. Keep in mind that there are ebbs and flows in every life.  Considering this… How else can we expect to know what true happiness is, if we haven’t been privy to life’s sadness and hurt?  How would we begin to understand satisfaction, if we have never been through disappointment?  To expect to remain in a constant state of happiness is simply naive.  But at the risk of exploiting a further point… I would suppose that this is where defense would play a role.  A great offense is nothing without a great defense. 

So with that being said…  first know and understand what happiness means to you.  This is a big one so feel free to take your time with this one.  It’s important.  For with this initial step, as it then becomes the foundation to forming a great offense.

Without full the comprehension of what I have just described I began to comprise a catalog or a bucket list of sorts, of the items, things, accomplishments I needed to achieve in my trek to undertake the objective that is called happiness.  And while the record has been revised over the years, always remaining at the top has always been to see the world.  So this birthday, it’s Central America.   And since diving was previously on the infantile catalog… then why not knock off the adolescent aspiration as well?  As is my usual practice, I will be celebrating all month.  Most of the month will be consumed with travel, but I will make sure to close it out at the end of the month with family and friends.  It’s just a few of the many things that I know make me happy.  But since we are talking about it…

Exactly what does happiness mean to you…???