That Dreaded "N" Word...

No, not that one silly!  As a single women who is strong and fiercely independent, I do my best to be as autonomous as a single woman can be.  I've always been this way. Even as a young girl, I held down an after school job at a dance studio, simply because I didn't want to have to ask my mother for money. As an auntie, I am constantly encouraging my young nieces to do the same.  If you want something, go after it.  Be smart. Be strong. Be responsible. Be self-sufficient.

Do we as a society, condition our girls and young women in the same manner? I'm not just referring to money here. The messages are everywhere. Stay in school.  Don't have sex. Don't get pregnant. Be smart. Be strong. Be responsible. Be self-sufficent.  And while its all well-meaning, is it possible that its all to our determent?  Is it possible that we are imparting to our young maidens not to "need?"

We've all seen the reports of mothers who freely give of themselves to their families and friends, putting their own needs last.  Clothes need to be washed, dinner needs to be cooked, dishes need to be cleaned, and the kids need help with their homework.  And after she's worked all day, and all the household tasks are complete her husband now wants to fulfill his sexual "needs."  She probably won't communicate that she "needs" a bit of quiet time to herself, and a bubble bath was more along the lines of what she had in mind.  Or if she does, then she'll feel guilty about taking time out for herself.  So I have to ask the question... are we, the independent women of the world, perpetuating a dangerous cycle to give of ourselves never expecting to have our needs met in return?

Now in my professional life, there is no problem expressing the "needs" of the client to the team that will help me accomplish the goal.  Or going to my Facebook page to ask a question because I "need" more information or a second opinion.  But let me "need" more time with the guy I am dating, or "need" for someone to have compassion for a situation I am dealing with, and I can almost guarantee that I not going to ask for what I "need." To appear "needy" in a relationship is perceived as a "cardinal sin" and I'm just not going to do it. In my mind, to be "needy" translates into being helpless or powerless.  I am way to strong and self-sufficient for that.

It's funny when you think about it... but men don't appear to have this problem. I hear them use the word quite frequently. And while they may not expect to get all of their "needs" fulfilled, the certainly don't hesitate to ask in spite of it. Whether it comes to work, play or romance, they ask for what they want, and don't think twice about the perception of appearing needy. Its almost as though they are conditioned to expect for their needs to be met. Who says men are not communicators?

Its ironic that men rely on women throughout their entire lives...first starting with their mothers and then moving on to their girlfriends and finally their wives. So where did the disconnect happen for many of us women? We were not conditioned to rely on our fathers in the same way?

So I guess I find the "need " to ask myself... at what point did I decide it was wrong to "need," rely on others or even ask for help? When did "need" translate into helplessness or powerless? And more importantly, is this the message that I want to relay to my nieces and all of the other young women who's paths I have crossed?

The older I get, the more I realize how complicated life can be.  I've always understood the power of my words, and the importance of clear communication, but there are time when actions speak louder than words. The damage may have already been done, but I hope it's not too late to right the wrong... to "NEED" can be a good thing... and it's not the curse word it used to be.

Happy Mother's Day to Me Too!

I am a daughter... I am a sister...  and of course,  everyone knows I am the best AUNTIE EVER!  But because I have chosen not to have children, does that not give me the privilege to celebrate Mother's Day?  While most would probably say no... I say absolutely YES!  Happy Mother's DayTo Me Too!

I know for a fact that I am not alone in this either.  There are thousands of other women just like me, who for any myriad of reasons, have been placed in the same boat.  For us, this day is bittersweet, but for all of the same reasons.  For us, this day is about more than just giving birth.  For us this day celebrates the act of mothering. For the record, and let me take this opportunity to make this clear... I am not for one moment minimizing the physical stamina and fortitude it takes to nourish and care for an unborn fetus that grows within the womb for nine months.  Nor am I weakening the strength necessary to push out a six to nine pound being out of ones body. I am simply pointing out that NOT going through these steps, in no way belittles the fact that you have not performed the act of motherhood. You can be just as important to someone as a mother can be, even if you haven't given birth to them.

For me, being a good daughter meant having a little sister attached to my hip since the age of twelve. For me, that translated into diaper changes, late night feedings and trips to the babysitter. For me, it meant after school homework sessions, and making sure that dinner got on the table, simply because mom had to work. She always had to work.  My parents divorced when I was about nine years old. When my sister was born, it was necessary for mom to take on several jobs just to keep the roof over our heads. And I, of course felt it necessary to do did my financial part as well. Relaxed labor laws allowed me the privilege to take advantage of the ability to take the little one to my after school gig at the local dance studio, and the summer gig at the community pool. Two incomes were certainly better than one in this case, and although it wasn't much, it was enough to pay for school lunches or contribute to school clothes shopping.  I vividly remember not being able to hang out with my friends because I had to babysit, or participate in sleep overs because I had to work.  Barely a teenager, I intensely recall the duty, urging and responsibility of motherhood, all the while blind to the obligation that I was feeling.

I tell this story because I know that I am not alone in this.  I tell my anthem to bring prominence to all of those who perform the act of motherhood simply because they feel the need.  Mothering is more than the act of giving birth... and I celebrate all of those who do it, even though they haven't had to push a little human being out of their womb. For them, they've chosen to act like a mom, even love like a mom,  and hold the responsibility of a mom, despite the obvious. Kudos to those who do it... simply because it needed to be done.  For me, it was done out of necessity. I can honestly say that I didn't choose to do it... it chose me.  Does that make me a hero for doing it without the option of a choice?  I'd say no... but I'll gladly take the option to celebrate this holiday with pride!

Happy Mother's Day to me... and continued blessings to all of those who chose the dedication of motherhood... whether or not they have chosen to give birth!